Keep Holding On
by xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx
Summary: When Emily figures out who she really is, who will be there to pull her out of the dark place she fell into? Spemily in future chapters.
1. Chapter 1: I think there's something

I was working on my other story and I had this idea so I decide to give it a shot. I hope you'll like it. I just wanted to say that English isn't my first language so I'm really sorry for the mistake I'll made.

Chapter 1: I think there's something wrong with me

Emily's POV

I was sitting on my window seat, lost in my thoughts when my mother came in my room to bring me back my dry clothes. She looked at me and saw that I was crying.

"Honey, why are you crying?" My mom sat next to me.

I looked in her eyes trying to find some comfort.

"I think there's something wrong with me..."

"What, Emily, there's nothing wrong with you." My mom told me and hugged me. "You're excellent at school and you are captain of the school's swim team." I looked at her and smiled.

"I know, I just had a long day, I think I'll get some sleep." I told my mom with a smile.

"Alright Honey, good night." She kissed my forehead and left my room.

I started crying again. I closed my eyes and lost myself in my thoughts. No there's nothing wrong with me, well except that when everyone were dreaming of kissing a boy and finding the perfect guy, I wasn't because someone else was on my mind. Someone I shouldn't wanted to kiss instead of a guy. Someone I shouldn't see other way than my best friend. But I couldn't control myself, she was always on my mind and I missed her so much when I spent one day without talking to her. When I opened my eyes, I saw that my arm was bleeding. I did it again without realizing what I was doing. I put the scissor I was holding down and got up. I took a tissue to wipe the blood off my arm. Then I put a sweater on and wipe the blood on the scissor as well. As I sat back on my window seat, I got a text message from Spencer.

"_Do you want to come over I'm feeling lonely, Melissa and my parents are gone to Philly for the weekend. And I miss you already... - Spence." _I smiled as I read the text.

"_Of course I want to, will Hanna and Aria be there? – Em"_

I got her answered quickly after I sent her the text.

_"Yes they'll be there... Will you come over for the night? A sleepover like we use to do every Friday night. – Spence"_

I was disappointed; I wished I could be alone with her. I wasn't really feeling like having a sleepover but I really wanted to see her.

_"I'll be over in ten minutes, is it okay? – Em"_

_"Yes, see u soon. xx – _Spence_."_

I packed a bag with everything I needed for the night and went downstairs to tell my mom I was spending the night at Spencer's. I walked towards Spencer's house, still lost in my thoughts. It can even be possible, I can't love her and I can't love girls. Who am I kidding, of course I can and I have always love girls, not guys.

Spencer's POV

Someone knocked on the door. I ran downstairs and opened it. It was Emily. As soon as she saw me, she smiled. But something was different in her smile. Even if I knew it was sincere, there was something unusual in the way she did it.

"Hi Em" I told her as I hugged her.

"Hi Spence" She answered quickly.

She turned her head a little bit like she didn't want me to look at her.

"Come sit down." I sat on the couch and waited for her to sit next to me. "Is everything okay?" I asked her.

"Yeah, why wouldn't be?" She said still avoiding my gaze.

"Em, look at me." I asked her.

She didn't move. As I wanted to take her head in my hands to make her looked at me, someone knocked at the door. I got up and opened it. It was Hanna and Aria. When we went back in the living room where Emily was sitting, the sadness I saw on her face earlier was gone. I looked at her and she smiled. She was definitely hiding something; I just needed to find what.

"What do you want to do?" Aria asked.

"Everything that involves alcohol." Hanna said with a smirk.

"Yeah, speak for you." Emily said.

"Same here, I don't want to drink." I said decided to stay sober to be sure I didn't miss any clue of why Emily was not feeling well.

"Well I'll drink with you Han." Aria said.

"Nice, sleepover can starts." Hanna said.

She took a bottle of alcohol out of her bags and Aria went in the kitchen to take two empty glasses and two water bottles for Emily and me.

...

"I think Hanna is pretty drunk." Emily whispered in my ear around midnight.

"Yes, and Aria too." I said and laughed.

"Hey I... Heard you... I'm so not drunk." Hanna sat next to Emily and smacked her on the arm.

I saw Emily bitted her lips like she was holding a scream. She got up and said that she needed to go to the bathroom. I still didn't know what was bothering her but it had to be something about her arm in a way or another. When Emily came back in the living room, we decided that it was time to sleep so we went in my room. Emily stayed away from us when we put our PJs. As soon she had put on her jammies, she put back on her sweater. Hanna and Aria left the room and told us goodnight, leaving me alone with Emily, like always. At every sleepover Hanna and Aria slept in the guess bedroom and Emily slept here with me. We lay in bed, Emily stayed far from me. Not like usual. She turned on her side so her back faced me. After a couple of minutes I heard her cried. I got closer to her and put my hand on her hip so she knew I was there for her.

"Em, baby, what's happening to you?" I asked her in a small voice.

"Spence please just hold me, I don't want to talk." She told me.

"Em, turn around." Emily turned to face me.

I took her hand and pulled her closer to me. She was still crying. She put her head on my shoulder. I was still holding her hand and I put my other arm around her waist in a protective way. I knew that I shouldn't move our interlaced hands because I will hurt her. I knew that it was her left arm that was hurting, I just didn't know why. I whispered sweet words in her ear until she fell asleep.

I know this chapter is really short but it's only because I wanted to know what you were thinking of this story before I update a longer chapter. So what do you think so far?


	2. Chapter 2: Starting understanding

I hope you will love that chapter. It was really hard writing it but I tried my best. I wasn't sure how to write it and I wanted to chose the right words because the really mean something to me. Anyway, hope you'll like it.

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Chapter 2: Starting Understanding

Spencer's POV

I received a text and I looked at it. _"R u sleeping? – Han" _

I moved a little so I can be able to answer Hanna's text. Emily stirred a little bit and hugged me tighter. The expression in her face changed. I could see she was hurt. I took her wrist and I replaced her arm on my stomach trying to place it in a way it wouldn't hurt her.

"_No, I'm not, I'm thinking too much. – Spence" _I answered to Hanna's text when I was sure Emily was okay.

"_About what? – Han" _

"_School, field hockey, my parents, Melissa... – Spence" _I couldn't tell her that I was sure Emily wasn't fine, I didn't know what was happening to her but I did know she wouldn't want anyone to ask her what was wrong.

"_Oh... :( If I can do anything for you, just ask. – Han." _

"_No it's okay, thanks. I'll try to sleep, goodnight Han. – Spence" _

"_Okay, goodnight Spence. – Han" _

I put my phone back on the night stand. I looked at the alarm clock; it was 5 o'clock in the morning. I hadn't realized it was that late. I couldn't stop thinking about Emily. The sad look she had earlier, the way so bitted her lip when Hanna touched her arm, the fact that she put her sweater back as soon as her jammies was on and she cried in my arm earlier. I didn't know what to do to help her. She definitely needed help but I couldn't push her to talk. The only thing I could do was to be there for her when she decided to talk about it. I hugged her tighter before I fell asleep.

Emily's POV

_**"No Emily, we raised you correctly and we always gave you everything you needed, how could you do that to us?"**_

_**"Mom I'm sorry! I didn't mean that to happen!"**_

_**"Emily, I want you to leave that house right now. You don't belong here anymore. You're only a mistake. I should have seen that before. Get out!" **_

"Hey Em wake up. It's just a dream sweetie." Spencer said and she hugged me tighter.

I opened my eyes and saw that I was still in Spencer's room with her.

"Don't cry Em. It was just a dream. Everything's okay now and I'm here for you." Spencer wiped the tears that were falling down my cheeks with her thumb.

"Thanks Spence." I told her in a smile voice.

Even if I knew it was just a dream I couldn't stop crying. It seemed so real. How am I supposed to tell my parents? I will only disappoint them. I got up and ran towards the bathroom. I locked the door behind me. I walked towards the mirror and looked at my reflection. **Nobody cares about you. You're so lame. You parents will hate you and your friends will stay away from you if you come out to them. You have nothing to win and everything to lose Em. Think about it. **She was right, Ali was right. I'm alone in this. I hate myself, why do I have to ruin everything like always? Why can't I be normal for once?

"Emily, are you okay?" Spencer asked me through the door.

"Yes..." I said. "I'll come out in a minute."

"Okay."

I washed my face with water and came out of the bathroom. I heard Hanna and Aria snored in the guest bedroom. I went back in Spencer's room. Spencer was still in bed, under the cover.

"Come here." Spencer said.

"I don't want to talk Spence..."

"I know. Come here." Spencer said and lifted the sheet for me to get under it.

I wasn't able to move and the tears started running down my cheeks again. Spencer got off of the bed and walked towards me. She hugged me and slid her hand up and down my back trying to comfort me. She guided me towards the bed and we lay down again. Spencer continued to caress my back.

"I know you don't want to talk about it Emily but you have to." Spencer told me in an apologetically way.

"No I don't want to, everything will change."

"Nothing would change Em; I'm always going to be there for you, no matter what." She told me reassuringly.

"No you won't"

"Em, you're my best friend and nothing can change that."

I didn't answer I knew she was right but I was scared.

"Can you at least tell me why your arm is hurting?" Spencer asked me trying another way for me to open up to her.

"No, I can't" I said, tears falling down my cheeks again.

"Okay but I want you to promise me you will talk to me if you need help..." Spencer said.

"I..." I couldn't promise her that. I'm too afraid to talk to her. I didn't want to lose her. She's the only good thing in my life.

"Em please, promises me you will. You know I won't judge you." Spencer said desperately.

"I promise I'll talk to you Spence, but not now."

"It's okay Em." Spencer said pulling me closer.

After a while I stopped crying, my eyes were burning. Spencer was still caressing my back and I fell asleep.

Spencer's POV

I wished I could do something to help her. I hated to feel useless. It was killing me to see her like that, so broken. I wished she would talk to me but I can't force her. I didn't know what she was dealing with but I knew it was about something she was feeling, not an argument with someone. She wouldn't be so broken if it was only about a fight, it was more than that. The only time I saw Emily that broken it was when Alison disappeared. Emily hadn't left her room for 2 weeks, tearing herself down all the time. The only time I actually saw her smile during theses two weeks was when I told her I love her and I didn't want her to stay sad. I told her that she was great and people cared about her. She wasn't so sure at first but I spend every single night in her room with her for two weeks. I stayed with her and hold her all night. I had never left her alone until I was sure she was okay. She finally smiled sincerely and I knew that whatever I had done was the right thing to do. Maybe that was what she needed now? Maybe she just needed me to hold her like I did during two weeks after Alison disappeared? Maybe there was a connection between all that? Maybe she was just feeling lonely? No it couldn't be that. If she was only feeling lonely why would her arm hurts and made her cried to talk about it? It didn't make any sense... Wait maybe it did!

"**Yeah that's right Em, go back to room and hurt yourself like you know so well how to do." Alison told Emily after she got away from her. **

"**Ali, what are you talking about?" Aria had asked her. **

"**We all know that Emily likes to over think things and that it's killing her so why should I try to stop her?" Alison said before she left.**

What if that's not what Alison meant back then. What if Emily was literally hurting herself? But why would she do that? That's what I don't get. It couldn't be only because she was feeling lonely. I know Emily and she needs more than that to feel depress. There was definitely something more important than that and I was sure that Alison was part of it in a way or another. Emily's phone rang and woke her up. She took it and looked at the caller ID. It was her mom; she stayed in my arm and answered to her mom.

"Hi mom... I don't know do you have planed something...? Okay I'll call you later to let you know. Yeah me too, bye mom." Was all I heard about Emily's conversation with her mom.

"Are you ready to get up?" I asked her.

"Yes I think I am. Thanks for everything Spence." Emily told me in a shy voice.

"You're welcome Em." We got off of bed and went downstairs.

Hanna and Aria were already in the living room, watching TV.

"Hi guys!" We all said in the same time.

We sat next to them.

"Did you sleep well?" Aria asked.

I looked at Emily, waiting for her answer.

"Yeah, like a baby. How about you?" Emily lied expertly.

"Same. I was pretty drunk yesterday so I didn't have trouble getting to sleep." Aria said as she laughed.

"There's something wrong." Hanna said, thinking.

"What Hanna?" I asked curiously.

"Well Aria and I were the only one drinking but you and Emily slept late today, not like usual but you weren't drunk so that's not why you sleep late...?" Hanna said.

"Hanna, what does it mean?" Emily asked slowly losing her temper.

"Nothing..." Hanna said not convinced. "Spence you look really tired..."

"Thanks! So nice of you to tell me that, like I haven't noticed!" I said; mad at her to bring that up.

"Geez, relax Spence. What's up with you?" Hanna asked.

"Sorry Han, I have slept only two hour last night..." I said.

"Wait, you went in your room at midnight yesterday and you only get out and it's eleven o'clock and you only slept two hours." Aria said surprisingly.

"Why do you care Aria!" Emily asked losing her temper.

"Em, stop now." I whisper in her ear.

"Well at least if Spencer is so tired and hadn't sleep last night it's not because they had sex." Hanna teased. "Emily is too frustrated to possibly have had sex last night. It wouldn't be a bad idea to have sex Em though, it might calm you down."

Emily got up of the couch walked towards the bathroom. As soon as she was out of our sight we heard a noise. Like someone fall or something like that. I got up and ran towards the noise. Emily was kneeling on the floor, her hand was bleeding and there was a big hole on the wall. Hanna definitely got into a touchy subject. I just couldn't figure what could have upset the sweet Emily that much. I helped Emily got up and we went into the bathroom. I took care of her hand and we went back in the living room. Emily sat silently on the couch, her head down. I saw a tear ran down her cheek and it broke my heart.

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I know it's kinda intense and so sad for now but it won't stay like this. Emily will smile again. That sweet smile that made Spencer's heart melt. ;) I was wondering, will you prefer a story with or without A ? What was your favorite moment in that chapter? I know it's not an happy chapter but I'd like to know what touch you the most?


	3. Chapter 3: Breaking Point

I hope you will love this chapter cuz I put my heart in it. I meant every single words and it was so hard to write it so I hope you'll love it. Just wanted to say thank you for the one who reviewed my story. It means a lot to me. Thanks. :)

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Chapter 3: Breaking Point

Emily's POV

I tried to hold back the tears that filled my eyes but I couldn't. I started crying again for the third time in two days. Spencer walked towards me and hugged me.

"Em, what's happening to you?" Hanna asked me with serious concern in her voice.

"I... I... Nothing" I couldn't tell them the truth.

"I don't buy that. Em you know you can tell us everything. We will always be there for you." Hanna replied.

"I can't Hanna, I can't tell you." I mumbled.

"Would you at least tell me what happened to your arm?" Hanna asked.

"What? What are you talking about?" How could she knew that?

"Em, don't! I saw the reaction you had when I smacked you yesterday..." Hanna told me as her gaze met mine.

"You were fucking drunk Hanna, you probably just imagine things." I told her.

"Oh yeah and I imagine the cuts on it too when we changed into our PJs?" Hanna asked getting angrier every second about the fact that I wouldn't told them the truth.

Spencer and Aria choked with a sip of coffee.

"Em...? Tell me she's not right!" Aria said.

"No she's not." I said lying in the best way I could.

"If I'm not right than show us your arm Em." Hanna said.

"Let it go girls." I said. "I'm going back home."

I got up of the bed and went upstairs. I took my bag and went in the bathroom. I got dress and put on another sweater I brought along. I went back in the room. The girls were sitting on Spencer's bed.

"Well, interesting. You're wearing another sweater... It's hot outside don't you think?" Hanna asked, trying to make me talk to them.

"No I don't think so." I said coolly. "I'm gonna go now. My mom wants me home."

"Em, please, don't shut us out." Spencer talked for the first time since Hanna had made her remarks about my arm.

"I'm not shutting you out." I said, not even convinced myself.

I walked towards the door but Spencer got off of her bed and took my wrist to stop me. I turned to face her and I saw tears forming in her eyes.

"Em, please, talk to us." Spencer asked in a small voice.

"There's nothing to talk about Spence." I told her.

I move my arm in attempt to get away from her but Hanna came between me and the door of Spencer's room.

"Emily, we only want to help you..." Hanna said.

"I don't need your help." I said sharply.

"Yes you do Em and you know it as well as we do." Aria said as she walked to stand next to Spencer.

I tried to get out of Spencer's room but Hanna stayed in the way.

"I don't need you girls! Let me go! I don't need any fucking help, why can't you understand that? I'm just fine on my own! Now let me go or I swear I'll fucking punch you Hanna!" I said angrily.

Hanna slowly moved out of the way. I looked one last time at Spencer. Tears were slowly falling down her cheeks, knowing I have already shut them out. I just wanted to run towards her and hugged her as tight as I could and whispered in her ear how much I love her. But I couldn't, it was too hard. I looked in her eyes a little bit longer. I turned away and walked towards Spencer's bedroom door. I stopped in the doorframe.

"I'm sorry girls but I can't." I said in a small voice trying not to cry.

I left Spencer's house knowing at that moment that things would never be the same. I decide to shut them out even if it was the hardest thing I did in my entire life. It was the first time I ever saw Spencer cried. And it was because of me. They didn't need me anymore and I knew it. I have to stay away, for their own sakes, even if it broke my heart in a thousand of pieces. I was already broken and nothing could ever change that.

Spencer's POV

I couldn't believe it. I was right, Emily was hurting herself. The worst part in all that was not even that Emily wouldn't talk about it but that she did it for a while now and Alison knew it and she tore her down even more. I wished I had seen it before, than maybe, only maybe I could have down something before it went that far. Now it was too late, she shut everyone out of her life. I still couldn't get why. But when she looked at me before she left my room, there was a light in her eyes. It looked like she wanted to tell me something, something that could have change everything but she changed her mind and the light disappeared. The last spark of hope I had saw was gone and my heart was broken. It was killing me to see her like that. I could give the world to her if she asked me. I couldn't let her alone like that. Maybe she had shut us out but I hadn't. I'm a Hastings after all and Hastings never gives up. And this time wouldn't be any different.

"I can't believe it..." Aria mumbled.

"Me neither." Hanna and I said in the same time.

"What could possibly make her do that...?" Aria asked thinking out loud.

"I wish I could know..." I said. "Do you remember when Ali said something about that?"

The girls thought for a while and then nodded their head.

"That means that she had done it before..." Hanna said.

"Yeah, and I hadn't seen anything..." I said

"Spence, it's not your fault... We hadn't seen anything either..." Aria said trying to comfort me.

"Maybe but I spend every fucking night with her during two weeks after Alison disappeared and I hadn't seen it. I'm such an idiot; I understand now why Emily wouldn't talk to me about it..." I said as tear began to fall down my cheeks.

Hanna got closer to me and hugged me. She knew that either word she would say wouldn't change anything. The only one that could make me feel better right now is Emily. I needed to see her gorgeous smile again and I needed to hear the words "everything will be okay" came out of her mouth as she hugged me. But she had left my house and I hadn't followed her. I hadn't had enough courage to run after her and told her the only tree words that I should had told her. I hadn't told her what was on my mind. I hadn't told her "I love you".

Emily's POV

I started to run. I needed to get as far away as I could. I needed to be alone. I needed to remove everything that had happened since yesterday out of my mind. I never stop running until I saw where my legs got me. I was in a glade I found with Spencer. We had found it a year ago and we hadn't told anyone else that we had found it because it was our space. We always went there when we needed to be alone or when we wanted to spend time only the two of us. And now that I was so confuse, my subconscious brought me here. I walked towards the little stream that crossed the glade and I sat down on the rock where Spencer and I always sat. I closed my eyes and let my memories took control of my mind.

"**Hey Em, how about you sleep with me tonight?" Alison asked me at one of our sleepover. **

**She knew how I felt and she played with it. I got up from the couch and walked towards her bed. She lifted the sheets to help me slid down under it. While I did so, I looked at the hurt expression that appeared on Spencer's face. I didn't know what it meant but Ali smirked and pulled me closer. She wrapped her arms around my body and I put my head on her shoulder, hopping it was Spencer instead of Alison. I felt asleep in her arms and an hour later Alison woke me up, telling me to go back to the couch that she couldn't and didn't want to sleep with me. I looked at her with a hurt expression and I walked back to the couch. When Ali fell asleep, Spencer took my hand. She was lying down on the floor, next to the couch. She got up and sat on the edge of the couch. **

"**Em, don't let her get to you. Alison had always been like this." Spencer told me reassuringly. "Do you want me to sleep with you instead...?" **

**If it had been anyone else, I wouldn't have said yes but since it was Spencer I couldn't let that chance got away. **

"**Of course" I told her. **

**I laid on my side and Spencer lift the sheet to get under it. I wrapped my arms around her and put my head on her shoulder. I wasn't sure but I think she smiled when I did so. **

"**Goodnight Em." She whispered in my ear.**

"**Night Spence" I kissed her on the cheek and put my head back on her shoulder. **

**She hugged me tighter and I fell asleep. **

I opened my eyes again as a smiled crossed upon my lips. My phone rang and I looked at the caller ID. It was Spencer. I answered but wasn't able to speak.

"Em, you don't have to talk. Girls are gone and I missed you. Could you please come here? I don't want to talk I just want to hold you. I want to be there for you and even if you shut us out, I have no intention of abandoning you Emily. So please just come here. No talk I promise, only holding each other. I need it Em, I'm so broken, and I need you." Spencer said.

"I'm in our place Spence. Come here instead." I said before I hang up the phone.

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What do you think? What's your favorite scene? I've decide to not include A in this story because I think it's already dramatic enough... But for the one who wants to read a Spemily with A include in it, I suggest that you read my other story or the story Secret Truths by Fender18, her story is amazing. Keep reading and reviewing please.


	4. Chapter 4: I'll stand by you

Sorry I hadn't update for a couple of days. I was busy so hope you'll like that chapter.

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Chapter 4: I'll stand by you

Spencer's POV

I hang up the phone and took my keys. I climbed in my car and drove towards the glade I have found with Emily. I was glad she told me where she was and wanted me to be with her. I parked the car on the side of the road and walked towards the glade. Emily was sitting on the rock we always sat on.

"Hey" I said in a small voice as I sat next to her.

She got closer to me without saying anything. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and she wrapped her arms around my waist. We laid down on the rock. She started crying silently.

"I'm sorry Spence..." Emily whispered.

"For what sweetheart?"

"For the reaction I had earlier... I didn't mean to hurt you..." Emily said crying even more loudly.

"Em, it's okay. I know you didn't mean to. I just wish I could help you but I get it if you don't want to talk. But please don't shut everyone out. We love you Em and we want to help you." I whispered reassuringly in her ear.

"I know Spence but you can't help me." She told me.

"You don't know that." I said softly.

"Yes I do Spence. You wouldn't understand."

"Look, I can't force you to talk but at least promise me you won't cut yourself again." I said hopefully.

"I... I can't" Emily said sadly.

"Can you at least promise me that you won't do anything worse than that?" I asked.

"I... I guess so." Emily said hesitantly.

"If you even want to do it again, please call me. I'll come as soon as I can." I said.

"I won't Spence, cuz you'll ask me what happened." Emily told me.

"I promise I won't, I'll only be there for you. I don't want you to do it again." I said.

"I'll try to call Spence but I don't always control it..."

"What do you mean?" I asked confuse.

"I don't always realise I'm doing it when it happen. I'm just lost in my thoughts." Emily said.

I could feel she was slowly getting more comfortable with the conversation and I wished she would tell me the truth.

"When you won't feel good and you know you would possibly do it even if it's not on purpose, call me." I whispered in her ear.

"I'll try. Thanks Spence. For everything." She whispered as well.

She hugged me tighter but pulled back instantly with a hurt expression on her face.

"Are you okay?" I asked worryingly.

"Yeah it's nothing." Emily said looking away, tears forming in her eyes.

"Let me see." I whispered as I got closer to her.

She turned her head to look at me. She looked in my eyes, trying to figure out if she should show it to me. I didn't know how long we have been looking at each other but I haven't looked away. She looked down at her arm and slowly pulled the sleeve of her sweater up revealing deep cuts. Tears were forming in my eyes but I didn't look away. I started crying and so did she. She pulled her sleeve down and I hugged her.

"Emily, I wished I have noticed it before..." I said, not sure of what I should say.

"Spence, stop, it's not your fault." Emily said in a small voice.

I looked up at her and our gaze met. Our faces were only inch from each other. I looked at her lips and I looked back in her eyes. She got closer and our lips met. She kissed me and I responded to the kiss. I pulled away, wanting to know if the kiss meant something. She pulled away from me and got up.

"Oh my god Spence, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. It didn't mean anything." Emily said before she started running.

"Em! Wait!" I screamed but she kept running. I didn't move. I didn't know what to do. That was so unexpected. When I realise that Em had left alone and I didn't know where she was, I got up. I ran towards my car. I had to found her. I drove towards Aria's house, hoping she would be there since Aria's house is near the glade. I knocked at the door but nobody answered. I drove towards Hanna's house but she told me Emily wasn't there so I drove towards Emily's house. I knocked at the door but no one answered. I opened the door, it wasn't locked. I heard noises coming from upstairs. I ran towards Emily's room. I opened the door and there she was, punching her wall like crazy. Her fist was bleeding but she didn't stop. I walked towards her and put my hand on her shoulder. She pushed me away and kept punching her wall. I hugged her from behind and pull her away from the wall. She turned around and hugged me and burst into tears. I hugged her tighter.

"Em... It's okay." I said reassuringly in her ear.

"It hurts so bad Spence." She whispered.

I pulled away from her and took her hand to look at her fist. Her knuckles were bleeding a lot. I took her other hand and pulled her towards the bathroom. I washed and disinfected her hand. I put a bandage on it and we went back in her room.

"Lay down Em." I told her. "I'll be back in a minute."

She lay down and I left her room. I went downstairs to take some ice, a glass of water and two aspirins. I went back in her room and I handed her the glass of water and the aspirins. I sat next to her on the bed, my back on the headboard. I took her hurting hand and put it on my tight. I delicately put the ice on her hand. She took the ice off of her hand and got up. She went on the other side of the bed. She lay down and asked me to lay down with her. She put her hurting hand on my stomach and put the ice on it. And then put her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around her and we both drifted off to sleep.

...

"_**Yeah right. How could you think for once second that I love you? You don't mean anything for me." I told her sharply. **_

_**She burst into tears and I left her room. I was screaming to myself to go back there and hugged her and told her how much I love her but my body wasn't responding. I kept walking but I could see what was going on in her room. She took the knife she had on her desk and sat back down on her bed. I tried to scream but I wasn't able to. She put the blade of the knife on her wrist. She breathed one last time and cut her vein. No! **_

"Hey Spence, wake up" Emily said.

I opened my eyes and saw that I was still in Emily's room.

"Oh, thank god, it was just a dream." I mumbled.

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I know the chapter is kinda short and I'm sorry, the next one will be longer. So what did you think of this one? What's your favorite part? Favorite lines? Any suggestions? Please keep reading and reviewing, it helps a lot.


	5. Chapter 5: Avoiding, quitting, losing

Chapter 5: Avoiding, quitting, losing faith

Emily's POV

My alarm clock woke me up at 5 am like always for my swim practice. I shut it down and I turned around. I saw that Spencer was still at my house. The memory of last night came back in my mind. I have been so stupid. I shouldn't have kissed her. Now I'm even more confused that I have been before. I got up slowly trying not to wake Spencer. I took some clothes and went in the bathroom. I took a shower, got dress and went back in the room. Spencer was still sleeping. I packed my school bag and sat down at my desk. I wrote a message to Spencer for when she woke up.

_Hey Spence,_

_I had to left early for practice. You can take a shower if you want and barrow my clothes for today if you don't want to go back to your house this morning. My mom already left for work so you have the house for yourself and she won't ask questions. Eat what you want. See you at school. _

_Emily_

I folded the sheet and put it on the pillow next to Spencer. I set the alarm clock at 7, like I did every day that she spent at my house after Alison disappeared. I took my school bag and my purse and went downstairs. I took a water bottle and left for school. When I arrived at school, I emptied my school bag in my locker and left my purse there before I walked towards the pool, then I walked towards my coach.

"Hi Emily. How are you doing today?" She asked me.

"Not so bad and you?" I asked her.

"I'm fine. Hey why don't you have your swim bag?" She asked me confuse.

"Hum, can we sit down? I want to talk to you about something."

"Yeah. Sit down. I'm going to tell your teammates what to do and I'll come back." She walked towards the other swimmers even more confuse.

I sat in the stands waiting for my coach to come back. When everyone got in the pool and started to warm themselves Coach Fulton sat next to me.

"What's happening Emily?" She asked me with evident concern in her eyes.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You can't say you are really in swimming right now..." She told me. "And you have miss practices for two weeks now."

"I know and I'm sorry. You're right; I'm not really into swimming. I love it, that's not the problem, I'm just... I don't know. That's what I wanted to talk to you about." I said getting more confused with every word I was saying.

"What is it?" Coach Fulton asked me.

"I'm leaving the team... I don't want to swim anymore." I said trying to sound convincing.

"Emily... What is the real reason? You said it yourself that you like to swim." Coach replied.

"I... I just don't want to anymore." It's getting hotter in here. I felt like I was going to pass out.

"Emily, are you okay?" Coach asked me.

"Yes... It's just hot in here." I said.

"You look like you're going to pass out Emily... You should take off your sweater." My coach suggested me.

"No!" I said afraid. "I need to go. I quit, that's all." I said as I get up and left the pool letting my coach confused.

I looked at the clock, it was only 7 am. I decided to go for a run before school started. I ran about 30 minutes before I went back to my house to take a shower. The door wasn't locked, that meant that Spencer hadn't left. I walked towards my room where Spencer was trying to choose some clothes for today, only wearing a towel.

"Hey Em. What are you doing here?" Spencer asked me when she saw me.

"I quit the swim team and I went for a run and decide to shower before school..." I said not looking her in the eyes.

"What! Why?" Spencer asked me disappointed.

"I couldn't swim anymore Spence. Not with my arms like that." I said as I walked towards the bathroom.

"Em..." Spencer said, not knowing what else to say.

"I'm going to take a shower." I said, avoiding the subject.

"Do you want a ride to school?" Spencer asked playing along.

"No, I'm okay, don't wait for me." I said before I walked into the bathroom.

Spencer's POV

Emily went in her bathroom. I put on one of Emily's t-shirt and jeans. God I love her smell. I brushed my hair and went downstairs. I took a cup of coffee and a slice of bread with peanut butter before I left her house. I drove towards mine to get my school and I drove towards school. When I arrived at school, Hanna and Aria waited for me in front of the school.

"Hi" I said trying to smile.

"Hi" Girls answered in the same way that I have done.

"Have you talked to Emily since yesterday?" Aria asked me.

"Yeah, I have actually. I slept at her house..." I said.

"Spencer, details!" Hanna hurried me to finish.

"Well, after you guys left my house, I called her, asking her to come back. She wouldn't but she asked me to meet her somewhere else. Somewhere we have found out together and always went there for thinking. I met her there and we cuddled and talked. I made her promise to call me when she was about to cut herself again because I don't want her to do so. She promised me and then I asked her to show me her cuts. She accepted after a little while. It's worst that I thought girls..." I said tears starting to filled my eyes.

"Spence, it's going to be okay." Aria said as she hugged me.

"What happened next?" Hanna asked.

"Well, we... I... I... She..." I tried to say avoiding the fact that we have kissed.

"Spencer... Relax. Just tell us what happened." Hanna said.

"I said something that upset her, I don't know what, but I guess I did..." I said lying to my two best friends. "She ran away but I didn't run after her at first... When I finally realise she had left I came to your houses to know if she was there. She wasn't so I went to her house. And I found her... I found her... In pieces... I've never seen her like that and it broke my heart..." I said letting the tears fall down my cheeks.

"What was she doing?" Hanna asked really concern with that.

"She was punching her wall, pretty hard. There was blood everywhere and her fist is pretty mess up." I said.

"Did her mom found out?" Aria asked.

"No. I wrapped Emily's hand and we went to bed. In the middle of the night I got up and washed her wall and I put a poster on the hole before I went back to bed. Then when I wake up this morning, she had already left for school. But she came back and told me that she had quit the team."

"What? Why would she do that?" Hanna asked.

"Because of her arms..." I said.

We turned around and saw Emily walked towards her locker.

"I will go talk to her. I want to apologize for yesterday. See you at lunch." I told them before I walked towards Emily's locker. "Em... I wanted to talk to you about yesterday..."

"What about yesterday?" Emily asked sharply.

"You know the ki..." I started to say before she cut me off.

"Look Spence. What happened yesterday should never have happened. It was only a mistake."

Emily shut her locker and left me alone. I wished it had meant something to her because for me it definitely meant something. I love her and I always have but she would never see me that way. I was better to back off and waited for her to talk to me about what is bothering her. Anyway, she was not ready to talk and stay near her will only killed me slowly.

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Sorry I haven't update in a while. Things are crazy around here and it's hard to find the time to write. Anyway, hope you enjoy that chapter. Favorite part? Favorite line? Favorite character in that chapter? Let me know what you think, any suggestions are welcome.


	6. Chapter 6: Regression?

I hope you will love this chapter cuz I spend a lot of time on it... I decided to start answering to the reviews of the last chapter at the beginning of the new one. So here it goes for the review of chapter 5.

anon: Thanks for your review. And Spencer will told Emily at some point, just not yet. Keep reading and reviewing it helps a lot.

For the one who had reviews the chapters before, I also loved your reviews :)

Chapter 6: Regression?

Emily's POV

I left Spencer alone, confused about why I reacted that way. I couldn't let her know that I did love the kiss. I wasn't suppose to love it, I was suppose to love the way a boy kiss me, not a girl, and mostly not one of my best friend. I couldn't let that happen... I needed to stay as far away as I could from Spencer because I didn't know if I could control myself around her. I didn't want anybody to know, not even her. I had to try to be normal. I couldn't let down my parents. They put so much effort in my education and I couldn't ruin that. They do everything for me and I had to do the same. The only thing that didn't work is that I couldn't get Spencer out of my mind. How it could possibly happened? I couldn't love her more than a friend. I was just confused, that's all. I'm straight and everyone knows it. I walked towards the pool and saw that no one was there. I went in the locker room and changed into my swimsuit that I had left in my locker. I jump in the pool, the only relief I have in my life right now. It was the only place where I got to do what I love and where everyone was proud of me. But because of my confusion I'll lose that too. I lose everything because of that stupid mind of mine! I swam like crazy. I didn't want to stop because I knew that as soon as I would, everything will fall apart around me. Swimming was the only positive things left in my life. And now I had to hide when I wanted to swim... And I will disappoint my parents because I quitted the team. I wished I could continue to swim but with my arms I couldn't. Only Spencer had seen them and it had to stay this way. I shouldn't even have showed her that. My body was so weak but I couldn't get myself to stop. I kept swimming a little but my body couldn't take it anymore so I stop. I started crying silently for a while, but at one point I couldn't control it and I cried loudly. I got out of the pool and saw that my coach was standing in the doorway of her office. I turned away from her trying to hide the cuts on my arms. I looked around the room quickly to find my towel. Coach Fulton had it in her hands.

"I knew you couldn't stay away from the pool..." She said walking closer to me as I took a step forward to get away. Trying to keep as much distance as possible between us.

"You're right but it doesn't mean that I want to get back on the team..." I said still not looking at her.

"You know you should be in class right now?" She asked me.

"Yeah but I couldn't go, I needed to be here." I said still crying a little.

"Emily, look at me." She told me.

"Can you hand me my towel please?" I asked her.

"You'll have to come and get it yourself..." She told me.

I crossed my arms as I turned around. I bitted my lips, holding a scream of pain. My coach looked at me worryingly. I slowly walked towards her but I didn't move my arms. I looked her in the eyes trying to understand what she was thinking of. She looked down at my arms.

"Go ahead, take it." My coach told me handing my towel.

I was about to uncrossed my arms when Coach Fulton saw my hand.

"Emily, what happened?" She asked me worryingly.

"I... Nothing..." I said.

As my Coach was about to asked another question, Hanna walked in.

"Em, there you are! I was worry; I hadn't seen you in first period." Hanna said walking towards us. "Why don't you go ahead, I'll bring you your towel."

I walked towards the locker room leaving Hanna alone with my coach.

Hanna's POV

Emily went in the locker room and I walked towards Coach Fulton.

"Hanna, what is happening with her?" She asked me.

"I wish I'd known..." I told her sincerely.

"Do you know what happened to her hand?" She asked me again.

"Not really, but I think she punched her wall or something..." I said.

"And did she have something on her arms too?" She asked me more worried.

"I know you care a lot about her but I don't know if I should tell you..." I said. "Emily shut everyone out of her life right now and I don't think that she would love that every adult in the school know about it and try to help her..."

"I get it Hanna, believe me, you don't want to betray you friend but I only want to help her and I need to know if her arms are okay... It will stay between us." She told me sincerely.

"I... Okay... But only because I know that you already suspected something... I hadn't seen what it looks like but Spencer has and she said it's really bad. Emily is... cutting herself..." I told her.

"Oh... I wish I wasn't right..." She said. "She hadn't told anyone between you and Spencer?"

"And Aria..." I told her. "We try our best to help her but she won't let us... The only one who can get to her in a way that I still don't understand is Spencer... But something happened last night and Emily is avoiding her... So I don't know what to do... Spencer wouldn't tell us what really happened..."

"If you want to help Emily you have to find out what happen, it might be a clue... But did you find a way to help her stopping to cut herself?" She asked me.

"Yes and no... Spencer kinda did... She made Emily promised that every time she feels like cutting herself she has to call her and Spencer would get over there in a heartbeat. I know that you think Emily won't call her but she would because she wouldn't miss an opportunity to spend time with Spencer... But since what happened I don't know anymore..." I told her.

"Maybe I could get an appointment with the psychologist of the school for Emily...?" She asked.

"No! Not now! I have to go but I'll keep you update." I said.

She handed me the towel as she thanked me. I went in the locker room and heard the shower. I put the towel on a bench next to the showers and I sat there, my back towards the showers. I heard Emily shut the shower off and take the towel. She walked towards her locker and I followed her.

"Em...?" I said.

"What Hanna?" She answered sharply avoiding my gaze.

"What happened with Spencer yesterday?" I asked.

"Nothing happen Hanna!" She answered.

"Your Coach asks a lot of questions you know?" I told her.

"Yeah... And?" She asked.

"Never mind... Em, can I see them?"

"See what?"

"Your arms..." I said.

"No... I need to get dressed Hanna, please just go." She told me sweetly.

I left the locker room and walked towards my locker where Aria was waiting for me.

"Where's Spencer?" I asked.

"She went home, she wasn't feeling good..." She answered.

"Ok... Don't you find it weird that when one of them is not feeling good the other one either. I mean, it's normal as friend but Spencer is way more affect by this than us..."

"Yeah I know but they always have been closer from each other than from us so I think it's normal."

"Yeah, you're right..."

"Have you found Emily?" Aria asked me.

"Yeah she was at the pool... And so was her Coach..." I said.

"And?" Aria asked.

"I told everything to Coach Fulton, if there is someone who can help Emily, it's her."

"What does she said?" Aria asked.

"That we need to find out what happened with Spencer because it might be a clue..." I said.

"She's right, we need too. Spencer was so lying earlier..." Aria stated.

"Yeah I know, Spencer always find the right word so it can't be something she had said..." I said.

"Yeah..." Aria said.

Spencer's POV

I didn't know what to do... I couldn't spend a lot of time with her because it is too hard for me but in the mean time, I knew she needed me. I'm the only one who can get to her and I know that. I wanted her to know that she could always count on me. I'll always be there for her no matter how much it hurts. I really loved her and I wished she could feel the same way... But I guess it was too much too asked. I knew that I was gay a long time ago but I still couldn't find the straight to tell people... The only person I wish who could know is Emily, but she was in a dark place and I didn't want to bother her with it. I couldn't put more pressure on her shoulders or God knows what will happen. I was lying on my bed looking at the ceiling, thinking of how life would be if I dated Emily and I fell asleep with an idiot smile on my face.

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So what do you think? What's your favorite part of the chapter? Favorite line? Favorite character in the chapter? And mostly what do you think of the fact that Hanna told Coach Fulton what she knew about Emily?

Please keep reading and reviewing. :)


	7. Chapter 7: Confession

Hope you will love this chapter. It's mostly about Hanna and Aria trying to find the truth so I'd say it's a pretty interesting one... :)

Now the shout outs to the reviewer.

Sora Yagami : I'm love your reviews it's so inspiring. And yes you have to see Emily and Spencer suffer a little bit more but I decide to do that chapter a little less dark but it's not always gonna be like this... I have a good, weird feeling about her too and that's why I decide to brought her in the story but the hopes are not only on her... :P You'll have to read this chapter to find out what I mean :P I love too know that my story gets to you in some way and that you see yourself in some of the character cuz that mean my writing mean something... Thanks to tell me your favorite part, it helps to write more of what you like to read... Hope you'll keep reading and reviewing, it helps a lot. :)

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Chapter 7: Confession

Aria's POV

I was in my English class and for the first time of the year I didn't even pay attention to Ezra. I couldn't stop playing what Hanna had said in my head. _"Don't you find it weird that when one of them is not feeling good the other one either. I mean, it's normal as friend but Spencer is way more affect by this than us." _She definitely saw something that I hadn't. I didn't know what she meant by that. Spencer and Emily were always closer from each other than from us. They understand each other in a way that we didn't, like they had something in common that we hadn't with them. There was a link between the two that no one seemed to have with them. We just needed to find what because I had a feeling that it was the answer to the enigma. The only thing that I didn't get was why Emily was way more affected by that then Spencer. It could be so many different things. Spencer might just be stronger than Emily... Maybe, but I doubt it, Emily was so strong too. Maybe Spencer just imagined what Emily was feeling and felt bad because it could happen to her too... Maybe, because of this stupid link we didn't get. Emily might just live something before Spencer but Spencer was upside-down because she knew it would be her turn next. But if it is that, what could they possibly lived simultaneously? But that didn't explain what had happened between the two of them... Maybe the link that they shared was a feeling... Maybe Spencer also harmed herself... I really needed to stop thinking about it even though I had a feeling I might had found something. I needed to talk to Hanna. Maybe we could figured out something together, no matter if we found the truth or just found a way to make Emily or Spencer talked about what happened but we needed to know something. I didn't know about Hanna but I couldn't stand the fact of been left aside while I watched two of my best friends suffered in silence, alone. I wished they would tell us what was going on but they didn't and I knew they needed help. If they didn't told us by themselves we would find a way to have the answer anyway. The bell rang and I got up as quickly as I could. I spotted Hanna walking towards the door and I walked towards her.

"Aria, can I talk to you?" Ezra asked me before I reached Hanna.

"Sorry, not now, I have to go." I said leaving him confused. "Hanna! Hanna wait!" I said to her.

She stopped and turned around to look at me. When she saw the look in my face her look changed as well.

"Bathroom now" She said quickly knowing that we needed to talk.

We walked towards the bathroom.

"What is it?" Hanna asked me after she had looked if anybody was there.

Emily's POV

After the English class Hanna left quickly and Aria followed her after she told Mr. Fitz that she didn't have time to stay after class. This was so unusual. I wished I could know what was happening but it was my fault if I was left behind. I was the one who shut them out. I was the only one to blame here. I left the room and walked towards the bathroom. As I opened the door I heard Aria's voice.

"I don't know Hanna, but there is definitely something between them. I can't say what but I thought about what you said and you're right, it's not normal the way they connected together. We need to find an answer."

I walked away from the bathroom, afraid of what they could say. I needed to do whatever I could to pull them as far away from the truth because they'll find the truth in no time.

Spencer's POV

I woke up an hour after I fell asleep but I wished I hadn't. I didn't want to leave that dream because that dream is the only thing I live for. But now that I knew it was only a dream that will never come true, what do I live for? I live for her no matter what. I live to see that smile of hers. That smile that hunted my dreams. I could do whatever for her. She was the best thing in my life but not in the way I wanted her to be. It might hurt be near her but it killed me to be far from her. I guess that no matter what I choose I'll suffer but I didn't care, as long as she smiled and was happy. That was the only thing I wanted. I got up and walked downstairs. I poured myself a glass of juice as the doorbell rang. I walked towards the door. When I reached the door Aria and Hanna was already in my house.

"Hi girls" I said.

"We need to talk" Hanna told me.

"Okay... Let's sit down." I said as I walked towards the kitchen followed by Aria and Hanna. "Do you want something to drink?"

"No thanks." They said in the same time.

I took my glass and we sat at the table.

"What's up?" I asked.

"We need to ask you something and you have to promise to tell the truth." Aria told me.

"I will, except if your question is "What happened with Emily?" I told them.

"It's not" Hanna said.

"Then ask" I told them.

"Do you... Do you cut yourself too...?" Aria asked hesitantly.

"What? Of course not!" I said surprised.

Hanna and Aria sighted in relive. I didn't know where they get this idea but I was curious.

"Why would you think that?" I asked them.

They looked at each other before Hanna answered.

"Because you have something in common with Emily that we don't know about and we figured it might be this..."

"What do you mean something in common?" I asked confused.

"There is something between you two, a link or something that you don't want to tell and we want to know what it is." Aria said.

"You can't shut us out too Spence" Hanna had.

"I'm not shutting you out" I replied.

"Yes you are." Aria said.

"If you weren't you would have told us what happened with Emily so we could found the answer together!" Hanna argued.

"Girls, nothing happen with Emily." I said. "And there's nothing between Emily and me..." I said mostly to myself.

"Spence... I know when you are lying and I can tell you're hiding something from us..." Hanna said.

"I... Let it go please." I begged her.

"No. You know you can tell us anything..." Aria said.

I looked them in the eyes before I looked at my hands.

"I... I'm... I'm gay..." I said still not looking at them.

Aria took my hand in a supportive way.

"Spence?" Hanna said wanting me to look at her.

Hanna lifted my chin with her hand when she saw that I didn't look up.

"It's okay Spence." Hanna told me reassuringly.

Tears fell down my cheeks, tears I didn't even know I was holding as I waited their reactions. Aria and Hanna both got up and walked towards me to hug me.

"It's going to be okay." Aria told me.

"Please don't tell Emily, she doesn't need to know. She has enough to care about for now." I told them.

"Tell her when you're ready." Hanna told me.

Hanna's POV

When Spencer finally calm down, we watched a movie and Aria and I left her house at 9pm. We had the answer to our question, Spencer wasn't harming herself but even if we knew that, we had regressed. Now we knew that they weren't feeling good at the same time but apparently for different reasons... Spencer was scared of people's reactions but what was Emily afraid of?

...

"I'm still shocked..." Aria told me on the phone.

"Yeah me too, I wasn't expecting that..." I answered.

"If they are not feeling good for the same reason what is it for Emily than?" Aria asked mostly for herself.

"I don't know but there has to be something that binds them together..." I answered.

"Like what?" Aria asked.

"I don't know, Spencer still is the only one that could get to Emily so easily..." I said.

"Yeah, I guess so." Aria said.

"Look I've gotta go but if you think of anything, call me." I told her before I hang up the phone.

This was what we forgot in our reflection. Emily needed Spencer. And I was sure Spencer needed Emily as well but why would she asked us to say nothing to Emily? I didn't get why she was hiding it from Emily and it was definitely not to protect her... How could Spencer be the only one to get to Emily like that...? Is she really the only one who could do that?

"_**We were all in Alison's room. Ali and Emily were laying on the bed, Aria was sitting at Alison's desk and Spencer and I were sitting on the floor, near to the bed. Emily and Alison were reading a magazine together and laughed all along their reading. **_

"_**I'm thirsty." Spencer said.**_

"_**You know where the kitchen is Spence" Alison answered without looking up from her magazine. **_

"_**Is someone coming with me?" Spencer asked. **_

_**Aria and I both got up.**_

_**"Em?" Spencer asked. **_

"_**She's fine." Alison answered for Emily.**_

"_**You don't know that" Spencer said sharply. "Em?"**_

_**Emily looked at Spencer and then Alison.**_

"_**I'll stay here." Emily said with an apologise smile to Spencer. **_

Someone could get to Emily too and it was Alison... But in Alison's case, Emily didn't want to disappoint her. It wasn't that with Spencer, it was something else... Was there a link between Spencer and Alison...?

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I know this chapter is not really about Emily or what she's feeling but I thought it would be great to see how Aria and Hanna see this situation... Should I keep doing chapters about them sometime, or just Spencer and Emily and little part of Hanna and Aria? What's your favorite part in this chapter? Favorite line? Favorite character? Hope you'll keep reading and reviewing. :)


	8. Chapter 8: Is she finally letting them

Hope you'll like that chapter, and keep reviewing :)

Here's the answer of the reviews I've got for the chapter 7... :)

Nicechick : Thanks for the review, I'm glad you like it. :)

Sora Yagami : Yeah Hanna is perceptive enough but I don't know yet if she'll found out or if Emily will come out at some point... Well I guess I'll included Aria and Hanna a lot more in the story :P Emily is on of my favorite character too, even though I made her suffer in the story... And yeah, she knows that it's her fault cuz she pushed them away, but she still think it's the right thing to do to "protect" them from her... In that chapter Emily didn't pull them away from the truth though but she will later... I'll try to include some Hanna-Spencer confrontations and see where it gets me. And for the Alison flashback, yeah I know you love these and that's why I try to write a lot of them. Thanks to keep reading and reviewing :) And like I said in the inbox message I sent u (don't know if you get it) yeah your reviews are inspiring and what I love about them is that you said what you would love to read :) And English isn't my first language either so I make mistake too. Hope you'll like that chapter :)

anon : No, English isn't my first language but I really try my best to make a good chapter you know? Anyway, from now on, one of my friend will correct every chapter so I hope it'll be enough... And I'm glad you like the story anyway...

Chapter 8: Is she finally letting them in?

Spencer's POV

I didn't know where I found the strength to tell Aria and Hanna but I did it and they seemed to be okay with it. I wanted to tell Emily too because she was the only person that I really wanted to know what she thought about it but I knew that it wasn't a good time for her. I wished I knew what was going on with her. The only problem was that since we kissed, she stayed away from me. I really didn't get it... She kissed me and then ran away and pretended like it never happened... What was going on? I needed to find out what that kiss was all about in the first place...

Emily's POV

How could I've been so stupid? Since when things started to go that bad? Where did everything screw up? I wished girls haven't noticed anything... If only Hanna kept her mouth shut than maybe no one would have noticed. Well, Spencer already knew that something was wrong. I had to find a way of making them think that things were okay now. I needed to let my arms heal... Who am I kidding, I couldn't stop cutting myself. It made me feel better, like I finally got what I deserved. I had to do whatever I could to make people think I was the happiest girl in the world. No, if I was suddenly that happy people would ask questions anyways and Hanna would be the first one to be confused so I needed to seem happy but not more than usual. I guessed I only needed to be myself again... But who am I? That was what I was trying to figure out, because obviously I lost something on the way. I couldn't be gay... It was impossible. Maybe I only needed to have a boyfriend. If I spent more time with a boy, I'll stop thinking about girls, right? I was sitting at my desk in my room and I was alone because my mom wasn't home yet. I closed my eyes and let my thoughts fill my mind. I reopened my eyes when I felt something running down my left arm. There was blood everywhere. I put my hand on my arm trying to stop the blood. I got up and went in my bathroom. I started the shower and got under the water. I stayed there two minutes but I saw that the blood wasn't stopping. I wrapped my arm in a towel and I washed my hands. I took my cell and I sent a text to Spencer.

"_Spence come here please, my arm is bleeding and I can't stop the blood! –Em" _

I got an answer right after I sent her a text.

"_I'm on my way, wrap your arm in something and keep a pressure on it. –Spence" _

_"Thanks –Em" _

I wrapped the towel more tightly around my arm. I sat on my bathroom floor and I closed my eyes trying to wash the pain away. Spencer arrived a little bit after and called my name as she entered my house.

"I'm in my bathroom!" I called back.

Spencer ran up the stairs. She opened my bedroom door and she stayed in the doorway while she took in the image in front of her. When she saw all the blood on the floor and on my desk, her brain started to spin. She ran towards my bathroom and kneeled next to me.

"Em, are you okay?" Spencer asked me concerned.

"It hurts...!" I said as tears fell down my cheeks.

Spencer's POV

"It'll be okay. I know you don't want anyone to know but I can't do everything by myself so please ask Hanna and Aria to come over." I begged her knowing that I needed help.

She took her phone and "SOS" Aria and Hanna. I made pressure on Emily's arm with my hands. Girls arrived five minutes later and ran up the stairs. They kneeled next to us with worried looks on their faces.

"Hanna, can you bring a glass of water, she needs to drink something! Aria we need more towels and paramedic supplies!" I said.

They both got up, Hanna went downstairs to take a glass of water and Aria took another towel since I was busy trying to stop the blood. After Aria handed me the towel, she looked in every medicine cabinet to find some paramedic supplies. I unrolled the towel around Emily's arm. The blood had finally stopped. Hanna came back in the room and handed me the glass of water. She looked at Emily's arm and became weak.

"Aria, get her out of here." I told her.

Aria put her arm around Hanna's waist and guided her out of the bathroom. She helped her lay down on Emily's bed and she came back. She dampened a towel and put it on Hanna's forehead. Aria stayed by Aria's side as I stayed by Emily's side.

"Are you okay?" I asked again.

"It still hurts..." She said as tears kept falling down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry but I have to disinfect the cut, it might hurt a lot..." I said.

"Go on." Emily said knowing she didn't have any other choice.

I took the disinfectant and poured a little bit in a clean towel and then I put the towel slowly on Emily's arm. She closed her eyes and took my hand. As I move the towel a little bit, she squeezed my hand harder. I wished I wouldn't have to do that to her but I have no choice, it needed to be done. When I was done disinfecting her cut, I wrapped a bandage around her arm.

"Thanks Spence." Emily said keeping her eyes shut.

"I'll change the bandage everyday to be sure it heals." I told her.

I helped her up and guided her towards her bed. I helped her lay down next to Hanna. Then I went in the bathroom to take a wet towel. I cleaned the blood on the bathroom floor. I went in Emily's bedroom and I cleaned the blood on the floor and on her desk. I put the towel back in the bathroom and I sat next to Emily on the bed. Hanna sat down when she felt better and Emily fell asleep.

"I can't believe it..." Hanna said.

"I can't either..." Aria mumbled.

I took my phone out to know what time it was. I realised that Emily's mom would be here soon. I looked back at Emily and saw that there was blood all over Emily's clothes. I walked towards her closet and took out other clothes for her. I walked back towards the bed and waked her up nicely.

"Your mom will be here soon, we need to get you into other clothes." I told her sweetly.

She nodded but didn't move.

"Spence, help me please." Emily asked me.

I was surprised and I looked away to hide my embarrassment. I looked towards Hanna and Aria asking them silently what I should do. Hanna nodded, telling me that I should help Emily get dressed because she asked me, not them. I helped Emily undress and put clean clothes on.

"Spence, you need to change too." Emily said as she lies down on her bed again.

I looked down and saw that there was a lot of blood on my clothes too.

Hanna's POV

Spencer took some clothes in Emily's closet and started to undress herself. I saw how uncomfortable she was when she helped Emily, there was definitely something wrong, Spencer was always so sure of herself. I looked back at Emily. She looked towards Spencer. When she saw that I looked at her, she looked away and blushed. It was like she got cut doing something wrong...

* * *

What did you think? Favorite part? Reviews help a lot :)


	9. Chapter 9: Back to the beginning

Here's the answer to your awesome reviews :)

Sora Yagami : Yeah Emily progressed in that chapter :) And for Hanna yes she saw something and you'll figure out in this chapter what she saw exactly... I'm glad you love my story and yeah I know that Emily is hurting herself a lot but you know it has to be rain to see a rainbow... She'll get better in time but for now yeah it's kinda intense... And you're not weird to want her to push them away but in the same time hate her for that, well if that means you're weird than I guess I am too XD Now that Hanna and Aria had saw how bad Emily's cut are you'll just have to wait to see what they'll do about it... :P Thanks to take the time to review and tell me what you would love to read and include your feelings in your reviews it help a lot, you don't even know how. Hope you'll love that chapter and if not, tell me what's wrong with it... :)

anon : I'm glad you enjoy my story now and I hope you'll keep reading and reviewing :)

naomi42 : Glad you like it :) Keep reading and reviewing, it helps a lot even if it's not a long review :)

Thanks for the one who put my story on alert too :)

Chapter 9: Back to the beginning

Emily's POV

Oh fuck! Hanna had saw me watched Spencer get dressed! Why was I looking at her in the first place? How could I have been so stupid...?

"I think you should go... I need to get some sleep." I said more sharply than I expected.

Spencer turned around and looked at me with a confused look.

"Stop trying to analyzing everything Spencer." I said even more sharply knowing that it was the only way to make her back off and leave me alone.

"How am I supposed to do that?" She asked me with a hurt look on her face. "One second you're thanking me and the other we said that you want me to leave in a sharp tone."

I sat and waited a little before I answered, not knowing if I should be mean or not.

"I want to be alone! Why can't you understand that? I thought you were smart..." As soon as the words left my lips, I realized what I had said but it was already too late.

I saw tears filled Spencer's eyes but she left my room before they had time to fall down.

Aria looked at me one last time before she fallowed Spencer.

"I don't know what has happened to you but I definitely don't like who you're becoming!" Hanna snapped.

"Don't worry, I don't like it either. But guess what, we don't always get what we want in life Barbie." I said trying to sound mean even though it killed me to be mean to them.

"Have you realized that the only time we saw Spencer cried was because of you? I guess not since it doesn't matter to you. I don't know why she still tries to help you. I guess I'd rather be Barbie than some major bitch that cut herself and pushed every one away because she likes the attention too much. Enjoy your night Emily." Hanna said.

I was so stunned about what Hanna had said that I didn't even move. I knew that what she had said was right but it hurt so much when it came from one of your best friends. I lay down on my bed again and let the tears fell down my cheeks silently. It was going to be hard but I had to stay strong and kept pushing them away as long as it would take for them to let me alone for real and forget about me. I couldn't stop crying knowing that eventually I would lose Spencer for real. I closed my eyes and thought about how she has always been there for me.

...

"_Hey guys, have you seen Beyonce's new video?" Hanna asked._

"_Yes, I love it" I said._

"_Maybe a little too much Em" Alison said in a bitch but kind way that only she knew how to do it. _

_Spencer saw I had blushed and knew that Alison was teasing me like she always did._

"_Back off Ali" Spencer spitted. _

"_And I thought that it was Emily who was overprotective..." Alison stated. _

...

Once again Spencer stood up for me but when Ali attacked her, I let her down. Hanna was right, Spencer shouldn't stay by my side. I didn't deserve someone like her.

...

"_Em, please talk to me..." Spencer whispered in my ear as we were lying down on my bed. My head was resting on her chest and her arms were wrapped around me in a protective way._

"_I can't talk because if I do, then I wouldn't be able to stop... I'm just so mad Spence, why would they take her away from us!" I said sad and mad about Alison's disappearance. _

"_I know Em. And never forget that I'll always be there for you." Spencer told me sweetly._

"_Stay with me tonight?" I asked shyly._

"_I'll stay with you as long as you need me to." Spencer told me with a small smile. _

...

For the first time, I was really determined to stay away from Hanna, Aria and... And Spencer because I knew that the only thing I could give to them was pain and they didn't need it.

Hanna's POV

I didn't get how she could do that to us after everything we did for her, especially Spencer.

"How dare she do that to us?" I asked angrily.

"Stop thinking about you for a minute" Spencer told me sharply.

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

"I mean that like always the only thing you saw is how she turned you down, not why she did it!" Spencer said angrily.

"Oh please Spence, stop trying to play the good one, you know as much as I do that no matter how she feels it's not a reason to be like that with us. Stop trying to be a hero and be real for once!" I answered in the same tone.

"Why are you like that? She hadn't even done anything to you! She just asked us to leave!" Spencer said getting angrier by the second.

"She hadn't done anything? Yes she had! She had done so many things!" I replied.

"Like what?" Spencer asked.

"First of all when I tried to talk to her before we left she has called me Barbie! Like I'm a superficial bitch..." I said.

"Oh and what have you replied to her...?" Spencer asked suspicious.

"Well... That I'd rather be a Barbie than a bitch that cut herself and pushed everyone away..." I said.

"What? Hanna c'mon, you hadn't said that for real?" Spencer asked me disbelieving.

"Yes I did because she is a bitch and mostly to you! I can see that you only try to help her Spence but stop before you fall in love with her even more!" I told her warningly.

"What are you talking about?" Spencer asked me sharply and I knew that I was right even though she tried to hide it.

"Oh c'mon Spence, it's obvious." I replied.

"Girls stop it now!" Aria said for the first time since we arrived at Spencer's house.

We all stop talking and calmed down. We remained silent for a while to take in what has happened during the last days.

"I'm sorry" Spencer and I said in the same time.

We all started laughing and went downstairs to watch TV.

Aria's POV

We were watching TV, well Spencer and Hanna were. I wasn't able to stop thinking. I didn't get how Emily could be so cruel with Spencer after everything she has done for her. Was Spencer really in love with her? I didn't know but I was certainly not going to ask either. How could things have become that complicated? I would give everything to go back to when Alison was still with us... Maybe she was a real bitch but I least things were simple back then. How is it possible that in one year, one of our best friends disappeared, one started cutting herself and hide a huge secret apparently, one started to made herself throw up to be thinner, one finally admitted that she was lesbian and I started dating my teacher... It didn't make any sense to me.

"I should go home..." I said absently.

"Yeah me too" Hanna said.

"Okay, see you tomorrow than?" Spencer asked.

"Yep, see you tomorrow." Hanna replied.

We left Spencer's house and I drove Hanna home.

"Do you really think that Spencer is in love with Emily?" I asked.

"Yes, if she wasn't why would she be like this with her? I know Em is our best friends and I love her but god right now I don't know what to do, I just want to be as far away from her as possible, at least until the Em I know and love come back..." Hanna said absently.

"I know but like you said, she's our best friends, we have to be here for her..." I said.

"Yeah, I know and I have no intention of leaving her alone but I don't know what to do anymore." Hanna said.

"Maybe we could go see Coach Fulton tomorrow..." I suggested.

"Yeah, meet me at the pool at 7 o'clock tomorrow." Hanna told me.

"Perfect, night' Hanna" I said.

"Night' Aria" Hanna said before she left my car.

I drove towards my house and I soon as I was home, I went to bed hopping to get at least a couple hour of sleep.

Spencer's POV

Why did she suddenly push me away like that...? I thought we have made progress but I guess I was wrong. We were back at the beginning... But this time would she let me in again? I didn't think so... I blew my chance... Now it was too late.

* * *

Sorry I hadn't update this story in a while but with the end of year exam I don't have a lot of time to myself so I write as soon as I have free time but I don't have a lot these days. Hope you like that chapter :) Please review that's what keep me writing :)


	10. Chapter 10: Realisation

Here's the shoutouts :

ShayLoveless : Hope you'll love it and the wait would be worth it. Thanks for reviewing :)

DD : I'm glad you love my story. Thanks to take time to review :)

anon : Hope you'll love this update. Keep reviewing, it help a lot :)

Chapter 10: Realisation

Hanna's POV

I got up early this morning to be sure to be at school half an hour before class started. Aria arrived five minutes after me. We put our things in our locker and made our way towards the pool. Everyone was in the water and Coach Fulton wrote something down in a notebook.

"Hum Coach... Can we talk to you...?" I asked doubtful.

"Is it important?" Coach Fulton asked us.

"It's about Emily..." Aria replied.

"Ok, I want everyone to do laps for 10 minutes and then take a shower and go to class, clear?" Coach Fulton said to the swimmers.

"Yes Coach!" They answered before going back to their task.

Coach Fulton walked towards her office and told us to fallow her. I closed the door behind us and we all sat at her desk.

"What's going on?" She asked worried.

"It's worst than we thought..." Aria said.

"Yesterday she called Spencer and told her to go to her house. Spencer did but she called us and said that we needed too go to because she needed help. When we arrived at Emily's, there was blood on her desk and on her carpet. She had cut herself so bad this time..." I said emotionally.

The room remained silent for a while.

"And have you found out anything else about why she is doing this?" Coach Fulton asked.

"Not really. At first we thought that it had something to do with Spencer but now we're not sure..." Aria said.

"And why's that?" She asked.

"At first we thought that Emily and Spencer were kinda living the same thing. Like Spence seemed to understand what Emily was living. She was more touched by it than us... So we try to find if there was a link between them. And we found out that Spencer was living something big and that's why she was more sensitive about the fact that Emily was hurt... So I guess we haven't found anything..." I said.

"And Spencer, what is she living...? If it's not too personal..." Coach Fulton said.

"It is but I know we can trust you..." I said.

"She told us she was lesbian." Aria added.

"Oh..." Was all Coach Fulton said.

Nobody talked for a while and Coach Fulton broke the silence again.

"And do you think there is a possibility that Emily might be lesbian too...?" She asked doubtful.

Aria and I both stay silent trying to think about that eventuality. Maybe she is... The way she looked at Spencer... The way Alison teased her about Beyonce's video... No, it didn't mean anything? Did it? I could I be so blind...?

"I don't think so..." Aria said before I had a chance to answer.

"And you Hanna, what do you think?" Coach Fulton asked me like she knew I didn't seem to agree with Aria's answer.

"I really don't know... I think there might be a possibility..." I said unsure.

Aria looked at me with a surprised look.

"What made you think that?" Aria asked me.

As I wanted to answer, the bell rang.

"What is your next class?" Coach Fulton asked us.

"French" Aria and I said in the same time.

"Can you miss it?" She asked again.

"Yeah, we're listening to a movie but we can do that at home." Aria said.

"Do you want to stay here and keep talking? I'd love to go through all that." Coach Fulton said.

"Yeah, of course but we can't..." Aria said doubtful.

"I'll tell the principal that I need to talk to you." She said as she called the secretary.

Spencer's POV

I was sitting in my French class. Emily sat as far away from me as possible and Hanna and Aria wasn't even there. I texted them to know where they were but I never got an answer. As the bell rang I walked towards Emily.

"Em, wait up" I said.

She stopped to look at me.

"I thought you had understood..." She whispered.

"Understood what?" I asked.

"Stay the hell away from me!" She said before she stormed out of the classroom.

What was that? I knew she was sad but I wished she wouldn't be like this. I wanted to run after her and told her that I wanted her to talk to me. But I couldn't. She didn't want me to be a part of her life anymore and since I loved her so much, I would give her everything she wanted. Even if I'd rather been dead than acting like I've never known her. I walked out of the classroom. I went towards my locker to take my books for my next class. I wanted to go home but I couldn't. This is not me. There was no way I would let a girl drag me down like this! Yeah right Spence. Everybody knew that I could do everything for Emily... Why life is so complicated?

Aria's POV

"I saw her stared at Spencer when Spence got dressed yesterday..." Hanna said shyly. "And her eyes always shine when she talks to Spencer or when she talks about her... So I don't know..."

"Okay... Than try to talk to her a little, told her that it is okay if she is... Does she know about Spencer?" Coach asked.

"No. Spencer said that she didn't want to bother her with it..." I answered.

"Okay, than try to make Spencer tells her so she knows she's not alone. It might help. That is if she is of course... But try that and keep me update. You can't do more than that." Coach Fulton told us.

"Okay, thanks to help us." Hanna said.

"No problem." Coach Fulton said before Hanna and I left her office.

The bell rang to announce the end of the first period. We saw Emily closing her locker extremely hard and walked towards the bathroom.

"Let's find Spencer, I have a feeling that something happened between them..." Hanna said.

We walked outside and saw Spencer at the table we always sat at.

"Hey" I said.

"Hey. Where were you?" Spencer asked us.

"The school counsellor wanted to talk to us." Hanna lied.

"About what?" Spencer asked unconvinced.

"We missed a period of information about next year..." Hanna lied again.

"Okay..." Spencer said still unconvinced.

"Did something happen with Emily...?" I asked.

"Not really, she just told me to stay away from her." Spencer said sadly.

"You know she didn't really mean it..." I told her reassuringly.

"I'm not so sure anymore..." Spencer said.

"Why hadn't you told her you are gay...?" Hanna asked suddenly.

"I don't know... I'm afraid she won't be okay with it..." Spencer said honestly.

"And you told us...?" Hanna asked confused.

"Yeah... Well, I don't feel like it's the same... I was always closer to Emily than you... and I don't want her to think that it's... weird or something..." Spencer rambled.

"Okay..." Hanna said. "But I definitely think that you should tell her."

"She won't even talk to me..." Spencer answered.

"She'll come around Spence, don't worry." I told her.

Emily's POV

I hated to talk to her like that but I really needed her to stay away from me. It was best for her like that. I knew she didn't understand but she didn't need to... She just needed to forget about me like if we were never friends. It sucked to have to do that but I knew that I was hurting her when I hurt myself and I definitely wasn't ready to stop that yet... And plus, if there was someone who could figure out that I was lesbian, it was definitely her and I couldn't let that happened. Wait! I was not lesbian! You were just confused Em! Stop with that! You were straight!

"Emily, wait up!" I heard someone told me.

I turned around and saw that Ben was running in my way.

"Hey" I said as he approached me.

"Hey" He simply replied.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Hum... I wanted to know if maybe you wanted to go on a date with me tonight...?" He asked shyly.

This was what I was waiting for... It was the thing I waited for to finally make sure that nobody knew I might love girls instead of boys...

"Yeah, sure, come pick me up at seven." I said before I walked away.

Ben wasn't the cutest guy in school but he was a guy and that was the only thing that matter right now.

* * *

So, what did you think? Do you think that girls will really figured out if Emily is gay? And what about the date with Ben? What's your favorite part of this story?


	11. Chapter 11: First Date

Thanks to the one who keep reading and reviewing my story even though I don't update as often as I want to.

Here are the shoutous :

anon : I'm glad you love it :) Please keep reviewing it helps a lot :)

Sora Yagami : No, the situation don't look good but like I said, the drama isn't over yet... I don't know yet if and when Spencer is going to tell Emily about her. It could be a bad thing or a good thing and I'm not sure what I'll do. I'll keep your hypothesis in mind because the help a lot. Like this I know what kind of story you want to read so I try to write my story in function of that a little. Thanks to take time to review :)

...

I read my story again and I realized that in the first chapter Emily already had a boyfriend. I totally forget about that but with the I'm writing my story I doesn't work. So let's just say that Emily never dated a guy before. I could change my first chapter but it's kinda complicated and for the one who started reading it, it's easier to just said that she never dated a guy.

Chapter 11: First Date

Emily's POV

I was getting ready for my date with Ben. It wasn't like I really wanted to go, but I had to. The faster I would be seen with a boy, the faster people would believe I'm straight. Maybe I am. I couldn't possibly be gay anyway. I was standing in front of my wardrobe, looking for something to wear for my date. I choose a mini-skirt and a t-shirt that showed enough of cleavage. Would Spencer love that? Never mind, that's what I'm wearing.

"Emily, Ben is here!" My mom called from downstairs.

"I'm coming!" I replied.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror one last time before I walked downstairs. Ben was sitting on the couch in front of my mother. When he saw me, he stood up.

"Are you ready to go?" I asked him.

"Yes" He simply answered.

"Wait" My mother said as she stood up too. "Emily has to be home at ten o'clock sharp. Emily, send me a text as soon as you reach the restaurant and one when you leave.

"Yes mom, I know." I said.

Ben offered me his arm and I took it. He opened the front door for me and we walked towards his car. He opened the door of the passenger side and waited for me to climb in. Once I was sitting comfortably, he closed the door and walked towards the driver side of his car; he climbed in and drove towards a restaurant.

"How are you doing?" Ben asked me.

"I'm doing fine, you?" I asked back.

"I'm fine too." He answered awkwardly.

We stayed silent for a couple of minutes before Ben broke the silence again.

"I've heard that you have quit the team."

"Yeah, I wasn't into swimming anymore." I answered trying to stay vague.

"You woke up one day and realised you were done with swimming, how's that?" He asked me.

"I don't know... I wasn't feeling the passion I used to feel." I lied and shrugged my shoulders.

"Well, I suggest that for tonight we forget about that and spend a good night." Ben told me with a smile.

"Yeah, you couldn't have a better idea than this." I said with a smile too.

"It's here." Ben said as he parked his car in front of the Apple Rose Grille.

He climbed out of the car and opened my door for me once again. He is really nice, but I know I could never fall in love with him. He offered me his arm and he guided us towards the restaurant's door.

"Hi, for how many people?" A waiter asked us.

"Only me and this beautiful lady." Ben said as he looked at me with a smile.

I wanted to roll my eyes but I smiled instead, knowing that I needed him. Needed him...? Did I really reach the bottom...? Yes... Hanna was right. I wasn't myself, but I had to get use to that new person because if I didn't change, I would disappoint everyone.

"Emily, are you okay?" Ben asked me as we sat down at a table for two.

"Yes, why wouldn't I be?" I asked back.

"Never mind" He answered simply.

Aria's POV

Hanna, Spencer and I were lying on Spencer's bed.

"Have you heard from Emily?" Spencer asked us.

"No..." I answered.

The room remained silent for a while.

"Spence... Can I ask you something...?" Hanna asked her uncertain.

"Yeah of course" Spencer told her.

"Do you think that there's might be a possibility that Emily is..." Hanna started.

"Is what, Hanna?" Spencer asked confused.

"Gay" I finished for her because I knew where this conversation was going.

"Hum..."

We definitely cut Spencer off guard with our question. We could see that she was thinking and I wished I could read her mind.

"No, definitely not, why would you ask that?" Spencer said after a while.

"I don't know, we were just wandering if it might be the reason why Emily isn't feeling good..." I answered.

Spencer didn't answer but something change in her expression. I couldn't quite say what it was but she looked like she knew something we didn't.

"No, I don't know what's going with Emily, but I bet you my car that it has nothing to do with that." Spencer said confidently.

I guess that Emily isn't gay after all.

Emily's POV

Ben drove me home after we were done eating. He parked his car in my driveway at nine thirty. He got out of his car and opened the passenger door for me. Ben walked me to the front door.

"I had a good time tonight" He told me as we reached the front door of my house.

"Yeah, me too" I lied the best I could.

"Do you want a ride for school tomorrow?" Ben asked me sweetly.

"Yes, I'd love too." I answered him in the same tone.

"Good" Ben told me.

We remained silent for a while even though I knew Ben wanted to ask me something.

"Ben, just ask me" I told him with a big smile.

"Okay... I know this was just our first date, but I was hoping you would want to be my..."

Ben didn't finish his sentence because he was too nervous.

"Girlfriend?" I finished for him.

He only nodded his head.

"I'd love to Ben." I told him sweetly.

"Seriously?" He asked uncertain.

"Yeah"

"Can I... Can I kiss you?" He asked me.

This time I was the one to nod my head. He leaned forward and I closed my eyes. When his lips touched mine I didn't felt anything but I didn't pulled back right away. I waited a couple of seconds before I pulled back. I opened my eyes and smiled at him. He smiled back before he left. I got in my house, told goodnight to my mom and went up to my room. I lay down on my bed and looked at the ceiling. Why didn't I felt anything? The only time I really felt something when I kissed someone was when I kissed Spencer... Well, I guess that... I'll have to deal with the fact that I won't feel anything when I'll kiss Ben.

* * *

So what do you think? How do you think Spencer would react when she'll see that Emily is dating Ben? What do you think of Spencer's reaction when Aria and Hanna said they thought that Emily might be gay? What's your favorite part? Your favorite line? Keep reading and reviewing it helps a lot. :) I'll try to update more often this summer but I won't be able to do that this week since I'm moving.


	12. Chapter 12: The letter

Here are the shoutouts :

Sora Yagami : I really love your review. Yeah, Spencer will have to give her car to the girls xD For Ben I still don't know what will happened... I don't know if he'll realize that Emily doesn't love him... I'll see how the story goes... For Spencer's reaction you were totally right, you'll see. ;) Hope you'll love this chapter :)

Guest : I'm glad you love it :)

Naomi42 : Glad you like it :)

Martha Smith-Jones : I'm glad you love it and I'll try to update more often from now on. :)

jrzygurl89 : I'm glad you love it and yeah it does show the struggle of many homosexuals and that's why I did this story. I don't agree with it but it happened so I think it made a good story line... Keep reading and reviewing :)

Chapter 12: The letter

Spencer's POV

I woke up this morning after a horrible night of nightmares. In every single one of them Emily died and I couldn't do anything to help her. I watched her died and a voice reason in my head, telling me that if I would have been there for her, it would have never happened. I got out of bed and went in my bathroom to take a shower. It's the only thing that helps me going back to reality after a bad nightmare. I let the water ran down my body.

"_She died because of you! You let her died Spencer! And you thought that you could be a good girlfriend for her! You're so lame Spencer! You should be the one to die! You're pathetic!" _The voice reasoned in my head again.

I got out of the shower because I knew that there was no point in staying under the water because this time my nightmare could become true if I didn't try everything I can to make sure it remains a nightmare. I needed to talk to Emily. I couldn't let her go through whatever she was living alone. She could try to push me away as much as she wanted but I promised her I will always be there for her and if there was only one promise I wouldn't broke, it was definitely this one.

...

"Hi Spence" Aria told me as I met her and Hanna at her locker.

"Hi"

"You didn't sleep well, did you?" Hanna asked me.

"Why would you say that?" I asked surprised.

"Because you don't look like you sleep enough." Hanna said.

"Well you're right, I hadn't." I said.

"Why's that?" Aria asked.

"Nightmare"

"About Emily?" Hanna asked me.

"How did you know?" I asked shocked.

"I dunno, I just feel it." Hanna said as she shrugged her shoulder.

"Okay..."

"What was your dream about Spence?" Aria asked.

I looked pass her, trying to avoid her gaze when I saw Emily with a boy from her swimming team holding hands.

"Earth to Spencer" Hanna said.

I still didn't answer so they looked in the way I was looking and they stopped talking too when they saw Emily. I hold back my tears. Emily has every right to date whoever she wants. Hanna turned back to look at me.

"Spence, are you okay?" She asked me.

I didn't answer and looked back at Emily. She was looking at me. At that moment I saw that she was just acting. At that moment I knew Hanna was right, Emily was gay, but she also decided to hide it so I'll just have to play along. I felt a single tear ran down my cheek and Emily's eyes changed like she was trying to figure something. I wiped the tear and walked towards the parking lot of the school. Aria and Hanna fallowed me.

"Spence what are you doing?" Hanna asked me.

"I'm heading home" I answered as I took my car key from my purse.

"But school is about to start." Aria said.

"I don't care, I'm going home!" I said sharply as I climbed in my car.

"Spence..." Hanna said.

I didn't look at her and I closed my car's door. I started my car and leaved the parking lot as fast as I could. I drove towards my house but I realised that Melissa was home and I didn't want to see her right now. I didn't want to see anyone right now. I finally decided to drive towards the glade I've found with Emily. I parked my car next to the road and I walked towards the rock I always sat on. I took a sheet and a pencil out of my purse and I started to write a letter to Emily.

"_Dear Emily, _

_I wish I could do something for you. I wish I could know what's going on in your life. I wish you wouldn't rush yourself into a relationship to hide who you truly are. I wish you would accept yourself. I wish you wouldn't feel like you can't talk to me. I wish a lot but I can't do anything about those wishes. _

_I wish you were mine, I wish you didn't love him instead of me_

_I know he's going to make you cry at some point _

_I know he would hurt you so badly_

_And the only thing I could do is be there for you when you reach the breakpoint_

_There's no one good enough for you_

_Because no one would stay by your side like I do_

_I hate how I have to watch you suffer when I can't do anything anyway_

_Because if I could, I would take all your pain away_

_I can't stop thinking of you no matter what I'm doing_

_You mean everything to me and I have faith you will be with me someday_

_I wish I could make that dream happen someway_

_But if it's just a dream, than I never want to stop sleeping_

_-Love, Spence xxx"_

I put the letter back in my purse and went back to my car. I drove towards school. I arrived during lunch time and I walked towards the table Aria, Hanna, me and... And Emily always sat at. Emily wasn't there though.

"Spencer, are you okay?" Aria asked me worried.

"Yeah, I am now" I answered.

I sat down next to them. I looked up and met Emily's worried gaze. She was sitting at another table with the guy from her swim team. I took my phone out of my pocket and texted Emily.

"_**I'm fine; you can stop worry about me and take care of your "boyfriend". He looks bored. –Spence"**_

Emily took her phone out and read my text. She typed her answer and put her phone on her table.

"_**Why did you write the word boyfriend like that? –Em"**_

I typed my answer and shut down my phone.

"_**We both know why. –Spence"**_

"Was it Emily?" Hanna asked me.

"Yes, but I don't want to talk about it." I said.

"Okay" Aria and Hanna answered.

We spent the rest of lunch time talking about random things.

Emily's POV

What does it mean? She couldn't possibly know... No, she had to mean something else, but what?

"Emily, the bell just rang." Ben told me.

We got up and he walked me to class. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and went in my classroom.

...

I was lying on my bed, unable to stop crying. Why was I like this? I could try as much as I wanted to deny my feelings for girls, well my feelings for Spencer but they would never go away. You know that you wouldn't be a good girlfriend for Spencer so don't ruin everything your parents did. The hurt expression on her face this morning just proves it. The only thing I don't get is why was she crying...? I was so confused but my eyes were burning from all the crying and I fell asleep. I cried myself to sleep.

Spencer's POV

I was lying on my bedroom's floor unable to stop crying. Why wouldn't she be able to admit to herself that she is gay? I needed to do something about it. I couldn't let her go through all this alone. I couldn't let my worst nightmare come true. And most of all I wouldn't be like Alison. She knew that Emily was suffering and she let her suffer alone! I won't be like this. I was so confused but my eyes were burning from all the crying and I fell asleep. I cried myself to sleep.

Hanna's POV

I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom, trying to understand everything that happened today. Spencer knew something Aria and I didn't. Aria bought the dating guy thing but I wasn't quit convinced on why Emily did it... She never talked about Ben or any other guy for that matter and now, all of a sudden, she's dating a boy... I don't buy it. I lay down on the floor and lef my mind drift off. I fell asleep even more sure of my hypothesis.

Aria's POV

I was sitting on my bed, trying to understand everything that had happened today. I'm sure Spencer is aware of something on Emily that Hanna and I don't know about. And why Emily would date Ben when she never even looked at him. Hanna might have believed this whole love story but I didn't believe it. There were something more to it and I would found out soon or later. I lay down on my bed and left my mind drift off. I fell asleep even more sure of my hypothesis.

* * *

What do you think? I tried a new way to end the chapter, what do you think of it? Do you think the girls will confront Emily at some point? Keep reading and reviewing, I love your reviews :)


	13. Chapter 13: Confrontation

Sorry for the wait. I haven't had the time to update as much as I wanted but I'll try to change that. Thanks for everyone who keep reading, reviewing and putting my story on alerts it makes my day :)

And for the one who might asked, no English isn't my first language but I try and I think I'm getting better in writing so if you want to read a perfect story with a perfect grammar then you don't want to read this one. Just saying.

Shoutouts time now :)

Guest : I'm glad you love it.

jrzygurl89 : I'll keep in mind that you love the different POV. For Spencer I don't really know how to make her but I try different things... Like you said I'm keeping it real. I know it's not always easy like so I decided to write this story cuz it means a lot to me. Keep reviewing, it means a lot. :)

Shayforever : Emily's situation isn't easy at all... :/ You'll have to see if Hanna and Aria confront her and if Spencer gives her the letter... ;) I'm glad you love it and sorry for the lack of update...

naomi42 : Glad you still like it and take time to let me know :)

Jamscootroc54 : Thank you for your review. You'll have to read next chapter to see what they'll do though but I love to know what you think should be better. It helps a lot in the writing process. :) Keep reviewing please. :)

Guest : Sorry for the lack of update and I hope the next chapter will be worth the wait. Keep reviewing I love it :)

Sora Yagami : Yeah you're right, there might be a communication problem... xD You'll have to read next chapter to see what Spencer will do though ;) I'm glad you love the way Spencer wrote because it took me like to hours only for that letter. I wanted it to mean something you know...? Thanks for reviewing. Each of your reviews definitely make my day :)

Kammybear123 : Sorry for the lack of update, I'll try to update more often.

Guest : Glad you love my story.

Story time now ;)

Chapter 13: Confrontation

Aria's POV

I was standing alone at my locker when Hanna joined me.

"Hey" Hanna said.

"Hey Han"

"Can I be honest with you?" She asked.

"Sure... I guess"

"I don't know about you but I don't think Emily really likes Ben..." Hanna said doubtful.

"Really?" I asked surprise.

Hanna nodded her head.

"I don't think so either; she's just using him..." I said.

"Do you think she's gay?" Hanna asked.

"Maybe..." I said.

"But if she is, why wouldn't she tell us...?" Hanna asked.

"Because she doesn't accept it...?" I suggested.

"Yeah, maybe... Should we ask her...?" Hanna asked.

"No... If she doesn't accept it and we talk to her about it then things could only get worse." I said.

"Yeah, you're right... But what can we do then?" Hanna asked me.

"Do you remember what coach Fulton told us? That we should get Spencer to tell Emily so like this she won't feel alone...?" I asked.

"Yeah, right, I totally forget about that." Hanna said. "But Emily doesn't talk to us anymore... And Spencer can't just drop that bomb like this... It'll take more than a week before Spencer had the chance to talk to her and we can't wait any longer Aria. It might be too late in a week or so."

"Yeah, you're right. Come to my house tonight and bring Spencer with you. We'll think about something then. Now I really have to get to class, see you later." I said.

I walked towards my class room. I heard my phone buzzed in my pocket so I took it out to see who texted me. As I looked at my phone I bumped into someone.

"Sorry" We both said at the same time.

I looked up to see Emily standing in front of me.

"Hey..." I said unsure.

She looked at me for a moment; before she walked past me without saying anything. I turned around and watched her walked away like I was nobody. Well that's not true; she would have talked to "nobody"...

Emily's POV

I walked away. I'm such a jerk; Aria has always been there for me and I acted like she means nothing to me when in reality she's like my sister. God I miss them. Why can't everything be simpler? Why can't I love a boy like everybody else? I walked towards the exit of the school and I bumped into Spencer. God, why do I have to bump into them today? I looked her in the eyes and she smiled at me.

"Hi..." She said sweetly.

God I missed her voice.

"I'm sorry Spence, I gotta go." I said.

It's SPENCER you idiot. You're not supposed to be friendly with her! I walked past her but she caught my wrist.

"What?" I said as I turned to look at her.

"I'm not buying it." She simply said before she let go of my wrist.

"You're not buying what Spencer?" I asked irritated of her little game.

"Your cover" She said as she turned around to look at me.

"What are you talking about?" I asked her.

"Ben" She said. "You're using him so you don't have to admit to yourself that you're gay Emily."

I was shocked. I lift my hand to hit her but she caught my arm. I pulled my arm away because of the pain.

"Why are you doing that to me?" I asked her.

I didn't let her answered and I ran away.

Spencer's POV

It was true. Emily is gay and she doesn't want to deal with it.

"Hey Spence" Hanna said.

I turned around and walked towards her locker.

"What's up with Em?" She asked me.

"Same. She doesn't want to talk to me." I said.

"Okay... Well Aria and I talked about it." Hanna stated.

"And...?" I asked.

"Come to Aria's tonight, we'll discuss about it." Hanna said. "See you later Spence."

"Later" I said too.

...

"So what do you think about her?" I asked Aria and Hanna.

We were in Aria's room.

"Do you remember when we asked you if you thought that Emily might be gay?" Hanna asked.

"Yeah..." I said.

"Well, we're kinda sure that she is..." Aria said.

"I think so too..." I said.

"Really?" Hanna asked.

"Yeah" I said.

"Why?" Aria asked.

"Because" I simply answered.

"Oookay" Hanna said.

"So, what are we gonna do about it?" Hanna asked.

"Nothing" I said.

"But Spence, we can't let her alone." Aria said.

"No what I mean is that "we" are not doing anything, I am." I said.

"Okay, than what are you gonna do about it?" Hanna asked.

"I already confronted her this morning to let her know that I know and now I'm gonna speak to her to let her know that it's okay." I said.

"Good" Aria and Hanna both said in the same time.

"I gotta go. I'm going to her house tonight before it's too late." I said.

"Why would it be too late if you wait, like what, a day?" Hanna asked me.

"Because I confronted her this morning..." I said.

"And...?" Hanna asked confused.

"And I know what she will do tonight..." I said.

"You think she would cut herself again?" Aria asked getting what I meant.

"Yes..." I answered.

"And why's that?" Hanna asked.

"Because Hanna. To Emily it will be like she failed. She failed in hiding it because I know. So she'll kinda punish herself for it..." I said.

"What made you think that Spencer?" Hanna asked.

"I just know Hanna!" I said losing my temper. "I gotta go now." I said as I get up.

"Call me later with details Spence." Aria told me.

"Okay, night' girls" I said before I left Aria's house.

Emily's POV

I suck! How could I have let her know! I was sitting on the counter in my bathroom, tweezers in hand. I wouldn't do the same mistake this time. I won't call Spencer. I don't need her anyway. As I approached the tweezers near my arm, Spencer walked in my bathroom.

"What the fuck Spencer?" I asked.

"Em, why do you do that to yourself...?" Spencer asked me.

"It's not of your damn business!" I told her.

"Yes it is Emily" She said calmly.

"Why? Why can't you understand that I don't want to see you anymore?" I asked her.

"Because I know you need me." Spencer said.

"I don't need you Spencer! Stop! Stop thinking you're the center of everyone's life!" I spitted harshly.

"Emily calm down." She told me.

"Don't tell me what to do! Why does everyone has to tell me who I should be or who I should date?" I asked as I get up to face her.

"They don't Em. Don't listen to them. Be who you want to be and date who you want to date." Spencer said as she got a little bit closer to me.

"I can't Spencer! You don't understand!" I told her.

"Yes I do"

"No, I can't! I would disappoint everyone!"

"Em, we love you for who you are not for who you love." Spencer stated.

"My parents don't!" I said as I started crying.

"Em..." Spencer said as she got closer to hug me.

"Get away Spence." I said as I started punching her on the chest.

She didn't move and I kept punching. I started crying more. Spencer caught me before I touched the floor. She helped be walked towards my bed and we lay down. She wrapped her arms around me and whispered comforting words in my ear. I cried myself to sleep again tonight but this time I felt safe.

Spencer's POV

Emily hit me and I let her knowing that she needed to let the pressure out and that she wouldn't hurt herself. I saw that she was getting weak and I caught her before she touched the floor. I helped her walked to her bed and we lay down on it. I wrapped my arms around her so she knew I was there for her and that I won't leave. I whispered in her ear that everything is going to be okay. She kept crying and it broke my heart. Not long ago I was there too. Tears fall silently down my cheeks. I cried myself to sleep again tonight but this I felt like I made progress.

Aria's POV

"What do you think it meant?" Hanna asked me.

"I'm not sure but I hope it's not what I think..." I answered.

"And what do you think?" She asked.

"That Spencer knows from experience..." I said.

"Then we're both thinking the same." Hanna said.

"Maybe we were right after all... They are really living the same thing..." I said.

"Maybe but I don't see Spencer cutting herself..."

"Can you picture Emily doing it?" I asked Hanna.

"No... But that's not what I meant. Spencer would be more the type to run when something is wrong... Not that been gay is" She had quickly.

"And Emily swims but she cuts herself too." I stated.

"Right..." Hanna said.

"Stay here tonight?" She asked me.

"Sure."

"Cool"

We lay down on my bed.

"Night" We both said in the same time.

Could Spencer really do that? Has she talks to Emily? I let my mind drift off and I fell asleep.

Hanna's POV

I guess that's why Emily and Spencer were always closer from each other than from us. They have something in common. I wished Emily could've felt like she can talk to us. I looked away from the ceiling. I spotted something on the floor where Spencer was sitting. I looked at Aria, she's sleeping. I got up and walked towards it. It looks like a letter. I unfolded it and read it.

"_Dear Emily, _

_I wish I could do something for you. I wish I could know what's going on in your life. I wish you wouldn't rush yourself into a relationship to hide who you truly are. I wish you would accept yourself. I wish you wouldn't feel like you can't talk to me. I wish a lot but I can't do anything about those wishes. _

_I wish you were mine, I wish you didn't love him instead of me_

_I know he's going to make you cry at some point _

_I know he would hurt you so badly_

_And the only thing I could do is be there for you when you reach the breakpoint_

_There's no one good enough for you_

_Because no one would stay by your side like I do_

_I hate how I have to watch you suffer when I can't do anything anyway_

_Because if I could, I would take all your pain away_

_I can't stop thinking of you no matter what I'm doing_

_You mean everything to me and I have faith you will be with me someday_

_I wish I could make that dream happen someway_

_But if it's just a dream, than I never want to stop sleeping_

_-Love, Spence xxx"_

So Spencer is really in love with Emily. She should give her the letter. I wonder if she spoke to Emily tonight. We'll see tomorrow. I folded the letter and put it in my bag. I lay down next to Aria again. I let my mind drift off and I fell asleep.

* * *

Soooo? What do you think? What's your favorite part? What do you think Hanna will do with the letter? And do you want Spencer to have made progress or no? Review please it helps me a lot.


	14. Chapter 14: Was it a mistake?

So here is the chapter 14, I hope it was worth the wait and I'm really sorry about that.

Here's the shoutouts :

Shayforever : Thanks for your reviews I love them a lot.

naomie42 : Je suis contente que t'aime encore mon histoire. Et ne t'inquiète pas tu n'as pas besoin de trouver une autre facon de me dire que tu aimes mon histoire car juste de savoir que tu l'aime c'est déjà suffisant :)

Sora Yagami : Thanks for reviewing like you do. It really helped a lot. I think you'll love this chapter but if you don't at least you'll love the biginning, that's for sure. ;) Mostly thanks to have took the time to read my chapter and review cuz I was really stuck and thanks for what you told me in the review. You are totally right, I don't want review because they are reviews I just want to know that this story mean something to someone cuz it means so much to me. I just want people to be able to read this story and recognized themselves through it, you know? Anyway, thanks a lot for you're review and what you said about insecurities. It help a lot. Hope you'll love the chapter :)

Chapter 14: Was it a mistake?

Emily's POV

"_What's wrong with you?" Alison asked me. _

"_Nothing..." I answered._

"_Yeah right, keep acting like you're not sick if you want to but it won't get you anywhere!" Alison spited. _

"_I'm not sick!" I replied._

"_Of course you're not; everybody cut themselves when things are not like they want." _

"_First of all, I'm not sick and second of all I don't do that because things are not like I want so why don't you shut the fuck up." I said losing my temper._

"_Stop! Stop that attitude with me now! You're nothing without me so don't talk to me like that."_

"_Yeah, well, I'd rather be nothing." I said out of anger._

"_Fine! You're nothing to me from now on!" Alison screamed. _

"_It's about time since you never meant anything for me." I said._

_Shut up Em! You're gonna lose her!_

"_Bye Em!" Alison said before she left my room. _

_As soon as Alison left my room I felt bad but it was already too late. I sat down on my bed. Why do I have to be such an idiot? I slid my hand under my pillow until my fingers reached something cold. I took it out from under my pillow and I looked at it for a while. Do I really want to do that? I mean, I deserve it but do I want to do that to myself...? I guess so. I put the blade on my arm. I let it rest there without moving. I took a deep breath and I slid the blade on my arm. It only left a red scar but it didn't bled. So I did it again and again until I was able to forget about the pain and that I cut deep enough so it bled. I started crying. I was mad at myself but I was proud at the same time. _

_..._

"Emily! Em, wake up!" I heard Spencer told me.

I slowly opened my eyes and realised it was just a dream. I felt tears falling down my cheeks. Spencer hugged me closer and I felt safer than I ever felt in my whole life.

"What was your dream about?" Spencer asked me sweetly.

"It wasn't a dream or a nightmare for that matter; it was kinda a flashback..." I said.

"Of what?" Spencer asked me.

I didn't want to tell her. I didn't want her to freak out.

"You can tell me Em. I won't freak and I won't judge." Spencer said as she looked me in the eyes.

I lost myself in those perfect browns eyes for a minute.

"It was about the first time that I cut myself..." I said.

I saw the hurt expression in her eyes and I regretted telling her.

"What happened?" She asked me.

"What?"

"What happened that made you do that?" She asked again.

"Oh... Eh... You don't want to know." I said.

"Yes I do Em." She said.

"No you don't" I said.

"Emily Field. I love you and I want to know how everything starts because I want to help you." She told me sincerely.

"I don't need a shrink Spence." I spitted.

"I know. But I figured that you might need someone who already went in that place. That dark place without a fucking escape."

"You mean that...?" I asked.

"Yes Em... I cut myself for a while..." Spencer admitted to me.

"But, you stopped, right?" I asked her.

"Yes, about a month ago" She said.

"How?"

"I reached the bottom..."

"I don't get it."

"I cut myself so deep that I bled a lot and Wren helped me out. He promised not to tell my parents but he insisted on talking to me. So we talked and after a couple of week I realised that I needed to stop so I went online and searched for people or things that could helped me get through it."

"That's why you knew what to do when I bled a lot..." I stated. "And what happened next?"

"I started to run every single time I felt like cutting myself. And I spoke with someone who already lived that."

"Why did you started to cut yourself?"

"Do you want to stop doing that?"

"Yeah... I do." I said.

"Then, you need to find something that'll help you."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Swimming..." She said.

"I can't Spence, not with my arm like this."

"Talk to Coach Fulton about it, she'll understand." Spencer told me.

"Come with me?" I asked her.

"I'll come."

"Can you ask Aria and Hanna to come too?"

"I will"

"Thanks Spence. You hadn't answer to my question though..." I stated.

"We should go now if we want to talk to Coach Fulton."

We got up and got ready to go to school. I stopped asking Spencer because I knew she didn't want to talk about that.

Hanna's POV

"We'll meet you at your locker. Bye Spence." Aria said before she hung up.

"So?" I asked her.

"We have to go. Spencer spent the night with Emily and apparently she convinced her to talk to Coach Fulton about what's going on in her life so she could keep swimming." Aria said.

"You do realise that we're in trouble right?" I asked her.

"I do, that's why we need to get to school before they do." Aria said.

We both got up and fixed our hair fast. We ran to the car and drove towards school. Aria parked her car in the parking lot and we saw that Spencer and Emily were already there.

"Fuck" I said.

We went inside the school and met Emily and Spencer at Spencer's locker.

"Hi" Aria said first.

Emily smiled at us. I couldn't help it and I hugged her.

"God Em, I missed you." I whispered in her ear.

"I missed you too Hanna" She said as she hugged me back.

I saw her bite her lips in the corner of my eyes and Spencer put a hand on my shoulder and pulled me back a little. I let go of Emily and looked at Spencer with a confuse look. While Aria hugged Emily Spencer got closer to me.

"Her arm" She whispered in my ear and I nodded.

How could she know that it hurt her? Does she read mind or what? When Aria let go of Emily, Spencer took Emily's hand and we walked towards the pool. When Coach Fulton saw us, she gave instructions to the swimmers and she opened her office's door so we could get in. Nobody spoke and Emily only looked at her. Coach Fulton took a step towards Emily and put her hand on Emily's shoulder. Emily started crying and Coach Fulton hugged her. Spencer let go of Emily's hands and took a step back.

"Everything's going to be okay Emily. Don't worry." Coach Fulton said.

"How could you know that?" Emily asked her.

"Because you're strong Emily and you have amazing friends."

"I'm not strong at all..." Emily stated.

"Just because you have a moment of weakness doesn't mean that you're not strong."

"Can I get back on the team?" Emily asked nervously.

"Are you sure you want to?" Coach Fulton asked.

"I'm sure... But there's something I need to tell you before you say anything." Emily said. "I... I started to... I... I cu..."

"I know Emily, it's okay."

"What? How?" Emily asked.

Coach Fulton looked at us subconsciously and Emily fallowed her gaze. She looked at me and then Aria and her gaze stopped on Spencer.

"How could you do that to me?" Emily asked her.

"I swear I haven't told anyone Em." Spencer said.

Emily looked at her for a while before she ran away again.

I hate myself right now! How could I have been so stupid? I shouldn't have told anyone. Now I get why Emily don't want to tell me that she's gay!

Aria's POV

I shouldn't have said anything about Emily. I should have shut my stupid mouth! I hate myself! Now Emily ran away again and it's my fault!

Spencer's POV

What just happened? Why is she mad at me? I didn't do anything! Why do things have to be that way? I want to fall asleep and go back to this morning with her.

Emily's POV

How could they do that to me? How could Spencer do that to me? I hate them! No! I hate myself! I shouldn't have let Spencer in like I did this morning, it was a mistake!

* * *

So what about this chapter? Was it good? Or not? What would you want to see happening next? Why would you change in that chapter? What's your favorite scene? I'm kinda curious, is anyone recognise themselves in this story? If yes, which character is like you? And also for the ones who read my two stories, which one is your favorite? Keep reviewing and reading because you might not believe it but every review mean something to me... Hope you still love my story. :)


	15. Chapter 15: Confrontation part II

I'm so so so sorry for the wait. I know I said that for every chapter but believe I am sorry. This chapter is longer then usual. I wanted to do two chapter with it but I figured that since you waited a long time I could do only one big chapter. I want to thank everyone who put my story on alert and in their favorites. I means a lot to me. But mostly thanks everyone who reviewed this story, it makes my day. :)

On with the shoutouts :

Naomi42 : Contente que t'aime toujours :) Ne te sens pas obligé de répondre mais j'aimerais savoir tes scènes préférés dans l'histoire. C'est juste que tu dis toujours que tu adores (Et c'est suffisant croit moi) mais je ne sais pas du tout ce que tu aimes lire. Ce que tu voudrais lire dans les futures chapitres. Si tu aimes plus le drame ou le réconfort. Libre a toi de me répondre et j'espère que tu vas continuer de commenter. :)

Sarahlynn00: I'm glad you love my story and I hope I had help you for your best friend. I would love to know how she feels and if she's better... Only if you want to though. Keep reading and reviewing, I really appreciate it :)

Jamscootroc54 : I'm so sorry for the wait. I hope the chapter will be worth it though. And by the way I kept everything you asked for in mind while writing so I think you'll love this chapter ;) Thanks to take time to review, it means a lot to me. :)

Chapter 15: Confrontations part II

Emily's POV

I couldn't believe that Spencer betray me like that. I trusted her. And what do I get from that? She told someone! She should've known how it hurts! I guess not! She kept her stupid secret for herself! She didn't trust me enough to tell me and I guess I should've done the same! She didn't tell me because she thought I would tell someone just like she did. And when I think I felt for her... I'm so stupid. My phone rang as I reached my room. It was Spencer. I declined the call and lay down on my bed. My phone rang again, this time it was Aria. I declined as well. A minute later, it was Hanna's turn but I still didn't answer. And then Spencer tried to call me again. I answered this time.

"Stop calling, I'm fine, well as fine as I can be after what my best friends did to me! Lose my number, and that's for Hanna and Aria too!" I said.

"Emily, wait! I didn't..." Spencer said.

I hung up before Spencer had the time to finish her sentence. If she thinks I'll ever forgive her than she's completely crazy. I looked under my pillow to find the knife I hid there. I put the blade on my arm but changed my mind as soon as I did it. There's no way I'll let her have that effect on me. The only one who had that effect is Ali and... Well... Her... But that time is over! They're not so different after all. I throw the knife in my garbage.

Spencer's POV

"What have you done?" I asked Hanna and Aria as soon as we reached my house.

They didn't answer.

"Aria...?" I asked thinking that she would be easier to talk than Hanna.

"It's not her. It's my fault. One day I found Emily and Coach Fulton at the pool. Emily was already cutting herself at that time and Coach Fulton was suspecting something. I helped Emily get away without any question but I stayed with Coach Fulton and explained her everything. Well not everything because I didn't know everything back then. Anyway, she seemed really concerned by Emily and I thought that she deserved to know why her best swimmer left the team..." Hanna said honestly.

"It wasn't your secret to tell Hanna." I told her.

"I know but Emily needed help and I didn't know what to do..."

"It's not a reason to betray your best friend." Spencer told me sharply.

"Stop Spencer! Please, don't act so mature and in control of the situation, you're as lost as we are!" Aria said.

"No I'm not Aria. I wouldn't have betrayed any one of you like this!" Spencer replied.

"Oh shut up for once Spence! I'm so tired of being compared to Miss Perfect!" Hanna screamed.

"I don't say that because I think I'm perfect! I'm far from that and I know it! It's just that... Never mind" Spencer said.

"What Spence?" Aria asked concerned.

I sat down on my bed and Aria and Hanna sat on each side of me.

"We're here for you Spence." Hanna told me sweetly as if the argument never happened.

"It's just that I think I know what to do since... Since I've been where Emily is and for the same reasons..." I said.

"You mean that you... Cut yourself...?" Hanna asked unsure.

"Yes"

"But you stopped, right?" Aria asked me worried.

"Yes, like a month ago."

"I'm so sorry Spence." Hanna said as she saw tears falling down my cheeks.

She hugged me and Aria did the same. I wished they hadn't talked to Coach Fulton, but they did and I get why, so I needed to talk to Emily. I needed her to know that I didn't say anything, that I would never betray her and that she could trust me. I needed to be there for her. I didn't want her to do any more mistakes than she already had... Just like me. I pulled away from the girls and got up.

"I need to talk to Emily. I can't let things like that. She won't talk to me but I will." I said before I left my house.

I walked towards Emily's house. Walking always helps me clear my mind. I need her. She needs me. I need to tell her how I fell about her. How I could give my life for her. How her smile helped me going through my dark time. How I could never betray her. How her trust means the world to me. How I love her. I ran the doorbell and Pam Fields opened the door.

"Can I talk to Emily please?" I asked politely.

"Of course dear, she's in her room." Pam said, letting me in.

She closed the door behind me and went in the kitchen. I climbed the stairs towards Emily's room. I knocked on the door.

"C'mon in" Emily said from the other side of the door.

I opened the door.

"What are you doing here?" Emily asked me as soon as she saw me.

"I needed to talk to you."

"I don't want to talk to you."

"Then don't, but listen."

"I don't want to either!"

"You have too."

"No I don't, just get out of here and never come back."

"Em, please."

"Don't call me Em. It's only for my friends."

"Emily c'mon, you don't want to do that and we both know it. Just let me explain please...?"

"Spencer, I can't trust you anymore... I'm sorry"

"I'm not the one who talked to Coach Fulton, you have to believe me!" I begged her.

"How am I supposed to do that when you don't trust me?"

"I trust you with my life." I told her honestly.

"No you don't! Or else you would've told me you used to cut yourself."

"We both know Em that it's not that easy"

"Okay then tells me one thing. Why did you start doing that?" Emily asked like she wanted me to prove her that I do trust her.

I didn't answer at first because I was not prepared for that but Emily took it wrong. She thought I didn't say anything because I didn't trust her.

"Just leave Spence" She said with tears in her eyes.

I looked at her before I answered.

"I started when I realised that I'm gay." I said before I left her room.

She didn't move or said anything so I kept walking. I left her house and went back to mine. Aria and Hanna were still there.

"What happened?" Hanna asked me as her curious self

"Everything... Nothing... I don't know." I said.

"Explain, please." Hanna said.

"At first she didn't want to talk to me so I told her that I hadn't said anything. Then she said something about me not trusting her so I told her I trusted her with my life. She said it wasn't true so she asked me why I started cutting myself. I didn't answer at first because I was surprised by her question so she told me to leave. And before I left I told her that the reason was because I'm gay." I said.

"And?" Aria asked.

"And nothing..."

"She didn't even come after you?" Hanna asked me.

"No" I simply answered.

Aria's POV

I couldn't believe that Emily didn't even try to talk to Spencer after that. They both know how hard it is. How could she be so insensitive about it? I guess that she was really hurt then... When I left Spencer's house I decided that I would talk to Emily before school the next day.

...

"Who's there?" Emily asked from the other side of her bedroom door.

"Aria..." I said unsure.

"C'mon in... I guess." Emily said sarcastically.

When I opened the door I found Emily gathering her things for school.

"Hi Em"

"Hi" Emily said harshly.

"I want to apologize."

"For what? Betraying me or you did something even worse. It must be for betraying me since I don't see what could be worst." Emily said sarcastically.

"Look Em, I'm really sorry. I knew you needed help and I didn't know how to help you so I asked Coach Fulton some advice." I told her.

"Are you done?" She asked me annoyed.

"Em, please, you have to believe me."

"I'm sorry but I can't. I wish I could. I've always considered you like my own sister Aria but you betray me..."

I started crying.

"I'm so sorry Emily but you have to believe me when I told you that I did that for your own good."

"I want to Aria, I really do but it hurts too much..."

"Emily, please" I said crying even more if that is possible.

"Aria... Leave please." Emily begged me.

"Okay, I will but at one condition."

"I don't want to play Aria."

"Just listen to me and promise me one thing and I'll leave you alone as long as you want, even if that is forever. I hope not because I'll die of missing you."

"Just talk Aria please."

"Spencer has nothing to do with that. She would never betray you and you know it. So please promise me you won't push her away?"

"I can't promise you that."

"Can you at least promise you'll think about it sincerely and I'll leave you alone...?"

"Okay, I'll think about it." She said. "Can you leave me alone now please?"

"Okay. Bye Em." I said.

I turned around to leave. When I was facing the door Emily spoke.

"Don't turn around. Leave as soon as I'm done telling you this without turning around. I won't ask you to leave me alone forever. I couldn't live that much without you. You're the sister I've never had Aria. And that's why what you did hurt so much. But I still love you and I will always love you. But for now, I want you to stay away from me. I can't forgive you just now. I need time and I hope you hadn't lie. I hope you'll still be there when I'll forgive you. Now leave please, without turning around and without answering."

I was already crying by the end of her speech but I left her room without turning around and without answering. Even though I just wanted to run in her arms and tell her that I will always be there for her.

Hanna's POV

I arrived late at school. I missed the entire first period. I didn't sleep well last night and I stayed in bed later than I should've had this morning. When I walked in the school I saw that Spencer and Aria were talking in front of Aria's locker. Aria was crying. I rushed over there.

"Honey what's wrong?" I asked as soon as got there.

Aria didn't answer and I hugged her. I looked towards Spencer.

"She went to talk to Emily this morning..." Spencer said.

"And?" I asked still holding her in my arms.

"I don't know she hadn't said much." Spencer replied.

I pulled away from Aria so I could look her in the eyes.

"Aria, what happened there?" I asked her sweetly.

"She was so sweet but she told me to stay away from her... At least for a while, the time for her to forgave me. She said I was like a sister to her and that's why my betrayal hurt her so much... But at least she'll consider forgiving Spencer. I told her it wasn't your fault Spence. I'm such an idiot! I ruined everything!" Aria said.

It was heartbreaking. She started crying even more so I hugged her again.

"I'm gonna talk to Emily tonight. It wasn't your fault guys and you shouldn't have to pay for my mistakes.

...

"Emily, listen to me!" I screamed before she climbed in her car.

She went in and closed the door anyway. I ran towards the passenger side and went in before she even had the time to lock the door.

"Hanna, get out of here!" She yelled at me.

"Not before you let me the time to explain."

"I don't want explanations. Aria and Spencer already tried and it didn't work so guess what, you're losing your time. And mine in the same time."

"Well, I never thought you could've been that bitch. But it's not the time for that."

"Aren't you here to apologize because it's starting really bad...?"

"No, unlike Spencer and Aria, I'm not here to apologize because I don't regret one second talking to Coach Fulton. She helped me not going crazy. Look Em, I didn't know what to do about you and it was really hard for me and the girls. So I'm the one who had talked to her first and then eventually Aria came with me."

"But it wasn't your secret to tell Hanna."

"God, you sound just like Spencer... I know that Emily but nobody should have a secret like that."

"That's not a reason for not keeping it like you should have."

"God, you're stubborn."

"Just leave Hanna, this is not going anywhere."

"You're right. I'll leave, just hear me out. We love you Emily, we were worried for you. We made a mistake because we love you. We don't care if you're gay Em."

"What? I'm not! Who told you that? Spencer! She's so dead to me."

"Emily, stop! No she didn't. She didn't have to. Aria and I know you to well, we figured it out. But the point is we still love you, just like we still love Spencer. It doesn't change anything."

"Leave, Hanna! Leave right now!" Emily said harshly.

"Fine! Bye Em!"

I took Spencer's letter from my purse and put it on the seat.

"Read that when you can."

I left her alone and went back to my car.

* * *

So, how about this chapter? Was the wait worth it? What scene is your favorite? Which character do you love more in this chapter? Which one do you hate (or love less)? I hope you'll keep reading and reviewing because without it, this story would be nothing. Love you guys. :)


	16. Chapter 16: She's freaking messed up

I know it's been a long time since I last updated and I'm really sorry for that but I'm still dealing with my time. I started school again and I need some time to adjust to that...

Shoutouts time :)

Pinkcrazyness: I'm glad you love it and review :D Hope you're gonna love this chapter and sorry for the wait.

Craycrayforshay: Happy you love it :) Thanks a lot for your review it means a lot to know that some people do love the story. Hope you'll love next chapter and you won't be too disappointed... :)

Jamescottroc54: It's good to know last chapter was your favorite, now I know you like confrontation and I guess you're gonna love this chapter and Hanna even more. And once again I'm really really sorry for the wait. Thanks for reviewing, it makes my day :)

Amber: Sorry for the wait. Hope you'll love next chapter and kept reviewing.

Chapter 16: She's freaking messed up

Emily's POV

I was pacing around in my room. The envelope Hanna left in my car was resting on my bed. I didn't know who it came from or what it was. Should I open it? Why would Hanna left me an envelope. It was definitely not from her. She doesn't like to write. She hates her writing. Could it be from Aria? Or Spencer? Or maybe Coach Fulton? No, I can't open it. What if Aria changed her mind? What if she'll never want to see me again? What if Spencer hates me? What if they rejected me for being gay? Is Spencer really gay? I can't take the risk; I have to throw it away. I put the envelope in my garbage can, next to the knife I had threw as well. I took the knife back and lay down on my bed. I looked at it for a long time. Tears were falling down my cheeks silently. How things could've become messed up like this? Why does it have to be so hard to be myself? Why does people are so afraid of unusual things? I kept holding the knife in my hand. At some point I cut myself accidently. I threw the knife on the wall in front of me, leaving a hole. Things are just so freaking messed up in my life right now. I'm just so freaking messed up. I thought that, because I stopped cutting myself that things would go back to normal. But the thing is, I stopped cutting myself because I'm not even worth the pain. I closed my eyes trying to push all these dark thoughts away. I can't stop to wonder why I'm even alive. I was at that time in life where you stand at a crossroad and you don't know which path to chose. But the path you chose defines the rest of your life. For some people it's about career, for other it's about love. I really didn't know which way to go, what to think, who to talk to or who's gonna be by my side when I make the choice and through the consequences that come with it. I needed to read the letter. I needed to know. After, I'm gonna make a decision. I have two choices: Be myself, or be who everyone wants me to be. Spencer's words came running through my mind: _Be who you want to be and date who you want to date. _Why can't it be as simple as that? I closed my eyes again and the image of her filled my head. Her smile that makes me melt. Her beautiful brown eyes, the way they shine when she understands something. How she pokes her tongue out of her mouth when she's doing homework. Oh shut up for God's sake! Even if she really is gay, you have no chance with her! That's when I knew which path to chose. The only way I could be strong enough to go through everything would be with her by my side, but she never will be. I can keep pretending. No one will ever know that I'm faking, that I'm in love with my best friend or that we kissed. Wait! We kissed! She kissed me! I got up from my bed and took the envelope from my garbage. I sat on my window seat. I looked at the envelope. I can't open it! I'm so freaking weak! I put the envelope in my night stand drawer. I ran downstairs.

"I'm going for a run!" I screamed out for my mom to hear.

I get out of the house before my mom had the time to answer. I started running like my life depended on it. I needed to focus on something else. I bumped into someone.

"What the fuck!" The person screamed out as we fall onto the floor, me on top of her.

"Spencer?" I asked surprised.

I looked up and saw that Aria and Hanna were there as well.

"I'm sorry" I said as I looked down at her.

Her face was closer than I thought. I looked down at her lips. I saw she did the same. She moved closer to me and I felt her lips on mine. I leaned in closer. I closed my eyes when I felt her tongue on my bottom lip. I parted my lips to let her explore the inside of my mouth. Suddenly, the present hit me. I pulled away as I got up.

"I... I can't" I said.

"Em, wait!" Spencer said as she got up as well.

"I really can't Spencer. This was a mistake." I said.

"You know that it's the second time you make that mistake?" She asked me a little bit mad.

Aria and Hanna looked surprised. I thought she would have told them. Maybe she really did not say anything about me.

"I need time to think." I said as I turned away, a single tear falling down my cheek.

"Have you read the letter?" Hanna asked me as she grabbed my wrist.

I turned to look at her.

"No, you haven't even told me what it was." I told her.

"What letter?" Spencer asked alarmed.

"The one you wrote for her. I found it and figured it was the only way Emily will forgive you." Hanna said.

"You did what?" Spencer asked obviously mad at Hanna.

"It's from Spencer?" I asked.

"Where is it?" Spencer asked madly.

"In my drawer" I told them.

Hanna whispered something in Aria's ear.

"Why don't you go read the letter?" Hanna asked me.

"You had no right to give it to her!" Spencer screamed.

"Look Spence, it's the only way she trusts you again." Aria said.

"Can someone explain to me?" I asked.

"Look Em, I wrote you a letter." Spencer said as she turned to look at me.

"About what?" I asked afraid of the answer.

"It's a love letter" Hanna answered for her.

"Hanna, just shut the fuck up!" Spencer said between her teeth.

"Em... I... I love you." Spencer told me.

I didn't answer. She moved forward and I moved back. I turned around to leave. I can't deal with it. I thought that the only thing I needed was to know Spencer loves me back but it's more complicated than that.

"Emily! Fuck! Stop running away!" Hanna screamed. "Stop being a coward and face the truth. You're gay! You're in love with Spencer! Guess what?! No one cares, we're all just happy that you both love each other!"

"No Hanna! It's not that simple!" I screamed as I turned around. "You don't care! But you're not my parents. The only think everyone thinks when they talk about our family is: Mister and Misses Military and their perfect daughter. And my parents like it this way."

I sat down on a bench and burst out crying.

"What's wrong with you?!" Spencer told Hanna.

Aria sat next to me and slides her hand up and down my back. I wrapped my arms around her and she hugged me back.

"What's wrong?! What's wrong?! I just can't take it anymore. I can't deal with it! My two best friends are sad as hell and I can't stop to think that if it keeps going in this way, Emily might... Might..."

"Might what Hanna?!" Spencer asked Hanna.

"Might kill herself." Hanna whispered.

She burst out crying as well and I got up and hugged her.

"I'm so sorry Hanna. That's exactly what I was trying to avoid. I try to get away so you wouldn't have to deal with everything. I'm so fucking sorry." I whispered in Hanna's ear.

"Please just promise me you won't push us away and you'll let us help you?" Hanna said.

"I promise" I said and Spencer and Aria joined the hug.

* * *

I know it's not the chapter you were looking for... Please don't kill me... xD This chapter is kinda just a filling chapter but I needed to wrote it to make my idea for Em's reaction to the letter in next chapter. I'll update it as soon as I can and maybe before my other story if I get enough review to prove me that people really wants to read next chapter. But at least, Spencer and Emily shared a kiss, I wanted to give you something interesting at least since Emily's reaction is for later. Please keep reading and reviewing. :) Love you guys :)


	17. Chapter 17: Change in attitude

I know it's been a while since I last updated but here's the chapter you've all been waiting for : Emily's reaction to the letter. I hope you're going to love it and that the wait would've been worth it.

Shoutouts :) :

Jamescottroc54 : I'm really sorry for the wait and I LOVE your review. Well, I should say your reviewS cuz they help me a lot when I write. It's good to know what you want and what you don't want to read. I'm sorry you had to wait for this chapter to see Emily's reaction :P But I didn't know how to wrote it so it took me longer than expected. Hope you'll love the chapter and keep reviewing. :)

Craycrayforshay : I'm glad you love it and I'm thankful for your review. I love to know what you think of the story. :) Hope you'll love the chapter and never stop reviewing. :)

ConfessedGleek16 : I'm so so so sorry for not updating sooner. I have a lot going on and I don't have a lot of time to write so I'm really sorry. I hope the wait would've been worth it though.

Hunnybear108 (Guest) : I'm glad you love it and I know some person want the drama to end but I'm sorry, it won't just yet. I'm trying to make this story as close as reality as possible... That means it can't be a real cute Spemily just now since Emily's not really out of the dark place she fell into... Sorry. And I don't always update the same day... Since I have my other story too, I can't really update always at the same time, mostly because homework take all my free time... Sorry. And if you want a fluffy Spemily you can always read my other fic, if you don't already read it... :) Hope you're gonna keep reviewing :D And for the grammar, it doesn't really matter cuz I know I make a lot myself since English isn't my first language...

Chapter 17: Change in attitude

Emily's POV

We were still standing, all hugging each other. I didn't want to move. I knew that I'll have to face everything as soon as I let go of them. The only thing I was grateful for is that I won't have to face everything alone. I knew at that moment which path to choose but I also knew it wasn't the easiest. In the long run though it's the one who'll make me happier, I didn't know about the other but in the past few days I realise that it was my life and not theirs. I need to read Spencer's letter. I pulled away from the hug and saw the fear in their eyes, they were afraid I run away again. I haven't realised until now that they were as broken as I was. I wished I hadn't hurt them but I had and now I needed to fix my mistakes. I knew I wasn't all okay but I knew that I was heading towards the good direction.

"I have to go" I said not realizing how it sounded until I saw the look on Spencer's face.

"Em, please, not again." Spencer said.

"That's not what I meant Spence. I have a letter to read." I said as I ran towards my house.

"You don't have to, you know." Spencer said as she ran after me.

She catch up with me as I reached the stairs in my house.

"Seriously Em, don't read that." Spencer pleaded.

"Why not?"

"It's not good."

"I'm sure it is" I said as I passed her and walked towards my room.

As I walked towards my night stand, Spencer jumped on the bed and took the letter from the drawer.

"C'mon Spence, give it back" I said as I extended my hand for her to give me the letter.

"No"

"What do you want in exchange?"

"Nothing"

I jumped on her and try to take the letter from her hand but I couldn't reach it. I started tickling her and she turned us over.

"I'm sorry Em..." She said.

"For what?"

As I asked her she folded the letter and put it in her shirt.

"Not fair"

"You're free to grab it if you want..." She said teasingly.

"What made you think I won't?"

"I know you"

"Are you sure?" I asked her with a smirk.

She looked at me defiantly. I looked her in the eyes, her beautiful brown eyes. I missed them so much in the past few days. I looked at her lips and it was only at that moment that I realized how close we were. I looked back at her eyes and saw that she was looking at my lips too. As we got closer, I look down and saw that the letter was a little bit out of her shirt. She closed her eyes thinking that we were about to kiss. As soon as her eyes were close, I took the letter from her shirt and turned us over so I could get up.

"Not fair"

"I love you too" I said as I started to unfold the letter.

"I thought you were about to kiss me..." She said sadly as she sat up on the bed.

"I was..." I said as I put the letter on my desk and sat next to her. "Why you don't want me to read it?"

"I'm afraid you won't like it..." She said as she looked down.

"I'm sure I'm going to love it."

I forced her to look at me in the eyes.

"Can I have my kiss now...?" She asked me timidly.

She was so cute at that moment. I got closer to her and my mom came into my room without knocking. I jumped off the bed.

"Diner's ready. Are you joining us Spencer?" My mom asked.

"Thanks for inviting me but I can't. Maybe another time" Spencer said as she got up.

My mom left my room and Spencer got closer to me.

"I still didn't get it..." She said sweetly in my ear.

I kissed her fast, afraid that my mother would come back.

"Does that mean you want to be with me?" Spencer asked me expectantly.

"Of course Spence... But, I'm not ready for other to know yet..."

"I know Em. Take your time. We'll tell other when you're ready. I just wanted to be able to go to bed knowing that you're my girl. But what about Hanna and Aria?"

"You can tell them, I know you want to."

"But do you want to?" Spencer asked me.

"They already know the whole story and they're our best friends."

"That's not what I asked."

"It's okay Spence, really. I don't mind them knowing but I won't be the one to tell them. I'm not even able to say that I'm..."

"Gay?"

"Yeah, that." I said as I looked away.

"I know you're still not okay with the idea but don't worry, you won't always feel like this." Spencer told me sweetly.

"And what about the cutting?"

"You have stopped right?"

"Yeah, but I think about doing it all the time."

"Look Em, I know it's hard but as long as the needing is not stronger than your wanting to stop you don't have to worry. It will eventually go away. It won't be an issue at some point, but you just decided to stop, give yourself some time. And if there is anything you can always talk to me, even if it's four in the morning."

"Thanks Spencer thanks for everything." I said as I hugged her.

I kiss her on the cheek and we walked downstairs.

"Call you before I go to bed?" Spencer asked.

"Yeah, sure" I said nonchalantly as I saw my mother coming our way.

"Emily, the diner is going to be cold."

"I'm sorry Mrs. Fields, I needed her help for a math assignment..."

"It's okay Spencer. Are you sure you don't want to eat with us. We would love the company." My mom said.

"Okay, I'm staying, then. Can I just have a minute to call my mother?" Spencer asked.

"Of course dear, we will wait for you in the kitchen." My mom said as she turned to leave. "Are you coming Emily?"

"I need to use the bathroom first. I'll be right back." I said as I went upstairs.

I walked into my room and took Spencer's letter. I sat on my window seat and started to read: "_Dear Emily,_

_I wish I could do something for you. I wish I could know what's going on in your life. I wish you wouldn't rush yourself into a relationship to hide who you truly are. I wish you would accept yourself. I wish you wouldn't feel like you can't talk to me. I wish a lot but I can't do anything about those wishes._

_I wish you were mine, I wish you didn't love him instead of me_

_I know he's going to make you cry at some point_

_I know he would hurt you so badly_

_And the only thing I could do is be there for you when you reach the breakpoint_

_There's no one good enough for you_

_Because no one would stay by your side like I do_

_I hate how I have to watch you suffer when I can't do anything anyway_

_Because if I could, I would take all your pain away_

_I can't stop thinking of you no matter what I'm doing_

_You mean everything to me and I have faith you will be with me someday_

_I wish I could make that dream happen someway_

_But if it's just a dream, than I never want to stop sleeping_

_-Love, Spence – xxx-"_

As I read the last line, tears were running down my cheeks and Spencer slid her arms around my waist from behind.

"Spence... I... I don't know what to say." I mumbled.

"You don't have to say anything." She whispered in my ear.

"Yes I do." I said as I turned around in her arms. "I'm so sorry, I didn't know how you felt about me and I made you suffer. I hated seeing those tears falling down your perfect face because of me. I couldn't handle not seeing the sparks I always see in your eyes, and all because of me. I wish I would've known sooner how you felt. I don't and will never get what you see in me but I promise you that I'll try to get through everything... For you. I love you Spencer and I know I'm a messed right now but I want to try for you."

Tears were falling down Spencer's cheeks as I talked. I kissed them away and a smile appeared on her face. It made me smile in the same time and I hugged her.

"I love you" I whispered in her ear.

"I love you too baby"

My smile grew wider.

* * *

Feedback...? What do you think of Emily's reaction? Was the wait worth it? Or not...? I know the chapter isn't long but I also knew that you all wanted to know Emily's reaction so I figured I should update this anyway... I hope you all still enjoy the story. I wanted to know, do you still want to read a lot of drama or do you want a lighter story...? I love you guys, keep reviewing please, it makes my day. :D


	18. Chapter 18: I'm scared

Sorry for the wait... I decided to update once a week but since I have two story it will be one week by story. I'll try to update as soon as possible but I gave myself until each Friday to do so. I'll hope you'll love the chapter. :)

Shoutouts:

Dmpanda5: I'm glad the wait was worth it. :) Yeah, she is progressing but not really fast, just like in reality... I hope you will keep reading and reviewing. :) And don't worry I'll keep the drama going. :)

Craycrayforshay: I'm happy that it was better then your expectations, mission accomplish ;) I hope you will continue to read and review the story cuz I really love your reviews.

Jamescottroc54: I love your reviews, you can't imagine how much they mean to me. I wasn't sure of that chapter but I'm glad that you loved it. And I'll keep the drama because this story wouldn't be the same without it. Please keep telling me what you liked or not and if the chapter really meant something... Like you said that you could feel the emotions in the last one... I'll keep that in mind when I wrote cuz like I said I want this story to be as real as possible. Keep reading and reviewing, I love it. :)

Chapter 18: I'm scared

Spencer's POV

I was sitting at the table with Emily and her mother. I always hated having dinner at the girl's houses because I always felt like I had something to prove. And this time seemed even worst. I decided to stay to win Pam over even though she doesn't know anything about me and her daughter. I just thought that if she really liked me it would be easier for her to see me with Emily.

"How is it going at school Spencer?" Pam asked me.

"It is going very well, I am working as hard as possible to have perfect grades and I do a lot of curricular activities."

"That's great dear; I wished Emily was just like you."

I saw Emily's face change at that comment.

"I am sure she is doing the best she cans ma'am."

"Well if that is the case then she can't do much."

"That's enough, don't act like I'm not sitting next to you mom." Emily said.

"I know you're there honey, I'm having a nice conversation with Spencer, that's all."

"Don't act like that, I'm not stupid. I know you're disappointed in me and don't worry I am too."

"That's not what I said sweetheart, I only wished you would show more interest in your classes."

"Do you really think I don't try here? I try mom, I really do! But nothing happened! I spend hours trying to understand everything. The thing is that I think too much and I can't stay focus."

"Don't be ridiculous, it's not like you have a lot to think about."

"Do you remember what it feels like being a teenager?"

"You clearly don't know what it feels like to be a mother or you wouldn't say that."

"I'm so tired of all of that. I'm not hungry anymore." Emily said as she got up and walked towards the stairs.

"Can I be excuse?" I asked.

"Of course dear, I'm sure she needs a friend right now even though I don't know why. Oh and, I'm sorry about that Spencer."

"It's okay. Thanks for the meal Mrs. Fields."

I got up and went in Emily's room. As I opened the door I saw that Emily was lying on her bed, her face in her pillow. Her shoulders were shaking, she was crying. It broke my heart. I remembered all the night I spend crying alone in my room. I closed the door behind me and walked towards her bed. I sat next to her and put a hand on her shoulder to let her know I was there for her. I let her choose to let me in or not. I know she is still so fragile and I can't do anything that could freak her out. She lifted her head to look at me and she sat down. Her eyes were puffy and red. She hesitated for a moment and then nodded. I got closer to her and wrapped her in my arms. She wrapped her arms around me too and put her head in my neck as she kept sobbing. I ran my hand up and down her back and I whispered sweet words in her ear.

"I know it's hard baby but it will get better, I promise" I told her.

"When...?"

"I don't know Em..." I told her honestly. "Keep in mind that you already made a lot of progress."

"I don't care Spence."

"Don't say that"

"Why not?! I hated being so weak, so vulnerable! Why does it have to be so complicated? Why does it have to be me?"

"Emily, honey, look at me." I said as I took her head in my hands. "I know you hate the fact that this is happening to you and trust me I get why but everything happen for a reason. It took me a while to understand that and I know that you think it's completely stupid right now. You feel like life is going to be so much complicated for you. I felt that Em and yes maybe at some point it will but it doesn't matter. It will be for other people too, just not for the same reasons. Look, the only reason I am telling you this is because I want you to think about it. I know for now it doesn't change the way you feel, just keep that in mind, always." I said as I kissed her forehead.

"You don't get it Spencer, I'm proud of you for admitting to yourself that you're... That, but I can't and will never able to. You don't know my family... I... I can't Spence."

"Don't think about that right now. You're the most important person in your life Em, you're the one who need to be okay with who you are, not your family. You know I'm still not out to my family, or anybody other than Aria, Hanna and you. I planned on telling everyone but even though I'm completely okay with who I am I have to work on that. It's one step at a time."

"At least, you have made a lot of steps..." Emily said as she put her head back in my neck.

"You have too." I told her sweetly.

"I don't know if you are right about everything else but I know you are wrong about something though."

"About what?"

"I'm not the most important person in my life, you are." As she said that, I felt tears on my neck.

I pulled back to look at her in the eyes and she started speaking again.

"I could never thank you enough for everything you did for me. You were always there for me when I needed you the most. You always seem to know how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking about, if you pushed me too hard or if it still isn't enough. You always believed in me and it sucks to know that I disappointed you and that I will disappoint you again... I love you so much Spencer. Loosing Alison was hard, and then again you were there to help me through it, but l wouldn't survive to loosing you. This year I thought so much about leaving but I couldn't. I couldn't leave you behind. I know I pushed you away but you have to believe me when I say it was for your own good. I know it was hard for both of us but it was better for you. You deserve someone better than me Spence. I'm no good; I won't bring you anything positive in your life. I know you don't want to but it's still time for you to find someone else. I don't deserve someone like you. I don't want to disappoint or hurt you Spencer and I know that I will if we stay together..."

Tears were falling down my cheeks as she spoke. How could she think that? I closed my eyes for a couple of minutes. I couldn't gather the words or the courage to tell her how I felt. She opened to me like she never had before. Her words were all full of sincerity and every word was meaningful. She had told me how she felt and I couldn't do the same. I know she needs to be love but I'm scared. She is the first one that ever got to me like that. I know that with only one word she could broke my heart into a million of pieces... And I also knew that I could do the same thing to her. That was the scariest part. I don't want to be the one to break her to a point of no return. I don't know if I should let her go or not. I'm sure someone will be able to make her happier than me but I don't think I would be able to see her with someone else. I know it's selfish of me but she is my everything. She is the air that I breathe; she is the one that make my heart beat. I can't lose her. I felt that she took my hand and I opened my eyes.

"Are you okay? You have been thinking for over 20 minutes."

"Wha... What?" I asked as I look at my phone and saw that she was saying the truth. "I'm sorry I was lost in my thoughts..."

"I get it if you don't want to be with me Spence... I..."

"Stop" I said as I kissed her on the lips to gather some courage. "I have to be honest with you Emily. I do love you and I do want to be with you but I'm scared. I'm scared that you will hurt me. You are the only person on this planet that could get to me like this. You are the only person that matter this much to me. You are the other part of me Em, without you I feel incomplete. And just so you know you could never disappoint me. But to be completely honest I'm not scared for me, I'm scared for you... I don't want to hurt you Em, I wished I could be the one to help you heal but I don't think I am. You mean so much to me Emily Fields but I want you to be happy. You didn't even gave me a choice Em, I wish I wasn't selfish and that I could set you free but I can. I want to be with you, more than anything. I would never leave you. There's a lot of chance that we both get hurt in the process but I'm willing to take the risk. I really do love you and the only thing important Em is that at the end of the day I will still love you." I pulled her in a hug.

I helped her lay down on her bed; she put her head on my shoulder. We cried ourselves to sleep like we know so well how to do. Only this time, I know that things will be okay eventually.

* * *

What do you think of this chapter? I was wondering if you identified yourself to a character in the story? It would help me to write something more real if you could explain your emotions... For the one who live(d) something similar to that... Please keep reading and reviewing. :D I love you guys.


	19. Chapter 19: Thoughts

I know that it isn't this story I'm suppose to update this week but Jamescottroc54 asked me to write an other chapter for her birthday and I couldn't say no. I think that the chapter is really not one of my best but I wrote it in like 2hours and normally it took me about 6 to 8 hours so... I hope you'll still enjoy it.

Shoutouts:

Jamescottroc54: I'm glad you loved it :) Yeah about Pam I didn't know how to make her cuz I fell like she does care for Emily but in the same time not so much... I mean, it's her daughter so of course she cares for her but she has this ideal life for Emily and it looks like it's the only thing that matters to her. So I figured that she'd be more angry then worried about Emily's cuz she's kinda ruining everything... I don't know if you get what I mean...? I'll keep in mind everything that you said. Can I just ask what you meant by "plain crazy"? What happened? How did it started? Don't answer if you don't want to. I don't get how you could understand so much the fear Emily(or people like her)are feeling if you're not... It just that I fell that you're so right about it and you don't even feel it... Anyway. You'll kinda understand in that chapter why Emily is still afraid to talk to her parents even though she has Spencer. About your questions... I don't really think as I write... It just comes naturally I guess... What made me start writing... Good question... Do you mean like this kind of story or writing in generally...? Your questions are hard you know. :P I've never asked myself that :P How I feel when I write... Hum... Emotional I guess... To be completely honest this story is almost all from personal experiences... There's like only the love story between Emily and Spencer that is fiction... I mean, I cut myself, hum... I had a hard time struggling with my sexuality too and to be honest I'm still struggling with it so... Yeah it's based on personal experiences, I guess that's why I want it to be as real as possible and it's kinda easy writing on that subject. Well not really easy cuz since it's from personal experiences every words mean something to me... Anyway thanks a lot for your review :)

Guest(10/16/12): I'm glad you love it and I hope you'll keep reviewing. :)

Guest(10/17/12): I'm glad you love the story and I hope you'll keep reviewing. :)

Chapter 19: Thoughts

Emily's POV

I woke up in Spencer's arms. Her perfume is so intoxicating. I didn't open my eyes but I could tell she was still sleeping with the way she breathed. It wouldn't bother me to wake up like that every morning. I wished things could be simpler. I know that if things go wrong with my parents, that Spencer will be there for me but for how long? I thought that Alison would always be there too... I hate myself for not being able to show the world how much I love Spencer but I just can't. I'm afraid that everything will change and I really don't want that. I know that at some point people will come around and that if they don't, they shouldn't be in my life. But this is only words. We all know that it hurts loosing someone you thought would never reject you. And what if those close minded people are in my family...? I felt a single tear running down my cheek. I hope there won't be any problem but I can't be sure of that until I told the truth to everyone and I'm not ready to face people's reactions. Well, the truth is I don't want to accept it myself and saying it out loud just makes it real. I'm glad Spencer is still sleeping. She thinks I made progress but I don't think I have. I didn't tell anyone, they just all find out and I wished they wouldn't have. I should have act like nothing was different. I should have worn a poker face all the time and everything would've been just great. Nobody would've found out and nobody would've been worried for me. The thing is I can't go back and even if I'm not ready I have to go forward. Like Spencer said: "One step at a time".

"Hi baby" Spencer said in a sleepy voice.

I opened my eyes to look at her.

"How did you know I was awake?" I asked her surprised.

"I could almost hear you think. What are you worried about Em?" Spencer asked me sweetly as she kissed me on the forehead.

"Nothing important"

"Then why are you crying?"

"I'm just replaying yesterday's conversation in my head. That's all.

"I know I told you to always keep what I told you in mind but I don't want you to make yourself sick baby."

"I know Spence but I just needed to take some time to think since it happened yesterday."

"Okay, how did you sleep?" Spencer asked me changing the subject.

"Like a baby. For the first time in so long."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"How about you?"

"Same"

"Why wouldn't you sleep well usually?" I asked confused.

"Well because about a year ago I was struggling with the same thing that you and after that my Emily wasn't okay so I couldn't sleep." Spencer told me.

"I'm sorry Spencer."

"You don't have to apologize for anything Emily."

"I think I do. I shouldn't have made you so worried. I should have kept it to myself."

"No Em, don't ever think that. You can always talk to me. I love you Emily."

"I love you too Spencer"

I closed my eyes back and surprisingly I fell back asleep. There was something that made me feel so safe when I was with Spencer and I had so many hours of sleep to catch up.

...

I opened my eyes again and saw that Spencer was still holding me in her arms. She was on her back and my head was on her shoulder. She was looking at the ceiling.

"Good morning again sleeping beauty." Spencer told me with a smile.

"Morning" I replied with a sleepy voice.

"Hanna called"

"What does she want?"

"She wanted to know if we want to meet her and Aria at the Apple Rose Grille."

"And what did you told her?"

"I told her that you were still asleep and that I would call her back when I knew what you want to do. Do you want to go?"

"Yeah, I fell like it's been so long since we had done something the four of us together."

"Okay, I'll call Hanna as you get dress."

We got out of bed and I took some clothes for the day. Spencer took out her phone and dialled Hanna's number.

"..."

"Are you still in for the lunch?" Spencer asked as I took my shirt off.

"..."

"Yeah"

"..."

"I don't know... How about in 30 minutes?"

"..."

"We're just getting out of bed."

"..."

"Shut up Han."

"..."

"I'll try to forget you just said that."

"..."

"Is 30 minutes fine for you?"

"..."

"See you later then" Spencer said as she hung up the phone and looked at me.

I was zipping up my pants.

"We'll meet them in 30 minutes" Spencer said as she took off her shirt. I sat on my bed and I wasn't able to look away from her body.

Aria's POV

Hanna was at my house and we were waiting for Spencer to call back. Hanna's phone started ringing and she answered.

"Hi"

"..."

"Of course, Em's finally awake?"

"..."

"When do you want to meet there?"

"..."

"You won't be ready until then?"

"..."

"Anything interesting to tell me? Is Emily in the shower?

"..."

"Have you slept at all last night?"

"..."

"Fine, don't answers but you know you'll talk later."

"..."

"Yeah, yeah"

"..."

Hanna hung up her phone.

"You have such a dirty mind." I told her with a smirk.

"And you're such a prude."

"What did Spencer said?" I asked ignoring her comment.

"That we'll meet there in 30 minutes."

"Okay fine. Oh and Han... Try not to make comment like that when Emily will be around. It's easy to tell that she's still not okay with her sexuality..."

"I know Aria"

...

We sat down at a table as we wait for Emily and Spencer to arrive. Spencer and Emily arrived about ten minutes after us and they sat down at the table. Emily was in front of me and Spencer was in front of Hanna.

"Hi" We all said in the same time.

"How are you?" I asked them.

"Fine" Emily answered after a little bit.

It looked like she wasn't sure of how she was going... But in the end her answer seem honest.

"And you?" She asked back.

"Fine"

...

We all spent a good time. It was so good hearing her laugh again. I hadn't heard it for a long time. I could tell that there was definitely something between her and Spencer, I'm wondering if they are finally together...?


	20. Chapter 20: Sleepover

Yeah! Another chapter is done! ;) I have to say I'm kinda proud of me. Since I decided to upload a chapter by week before each Friday I always made it on time. :) If I keep up in that pace I'll might try to update both of my story each week but for now I'll still update just one by week... I hope you're going to enjoy the chapter :) Thank for every reviews and alerts, it means a lot to me.

Shoutouts time:

Sora Yagami: Yeah, you keep reading my story and you still love it :) It definitely made my day. ;) I understand though that you don't always have time, I'm still in high school and I don't have a lot of time myself.

About Pam I want her to accept Emily as well but for now Em is so not ready to tell her and I want to make it more of a big deal than what it was in the show. But yeah, indeed I want Pam to realize that she loves Emily no matter what...

Haha, I don't understand either but she's a Hastings she knows how to control herself. ;)

I try to include Hanna and Aria as much as possible but I think that when you are in a situation like Emily you don't want everybody to know your state of mind so she's closer to Spencer and she kinda wants only Spencer for now so it's really hard to find a middle... You'll be happy, there's a small Alison flashback in the story... It's almost nothing but it doesn't matter, it's still there. ;)

I'll try to involve Ashley and maybe Ella, thanks for the idea. :)

Jamescottroc54: I'm glad you love the chapter, I wish it was better since it was for your birthday but it was the best I could with the time I got... :( And for Emily, for now she can't really see the difference between Spence and Ali cuz like you said Ali did some bad things to her and she's afraid that Spencer will too...

I could have never guessed what you've been through... I know you said you're okay now but I have to say that I'm really sorry you had to go through that. I'm glad you're over it now though. And even though it most have been really hard at that time it made you a better person now. :)

What made me start writing... At first I didn't wrote that kind of story it was just happy ever after story you know... I saw my "sister" wrote and I was impress. I though that I should try and she gave me some ideas and tricks so I started writing. In french first... (It's my first language) and then things got complicated as I was in 6th grade (The grade where I first started learning English) and like two years after that, I started writing this story... So I guess I would have to say my "sister"...

I thought I was okay... Well I don't know how to explain it... I minded myself to be okay with it but it just doesn't work that way... After a while my insecurities came back and I though that the best way to make everyone think I was okay was to tell them. So I told like every one but deep down inside I'm still struggling with it... There's like only one of my friend who knows that since apparently she can understand me like nobody else.

And I wish I could answer you that I don't but since you don't know me I don't have any reason to hide the fact that I still do. I try not too but once again it's not that simple... :/

Anyway, I hope you're going to love the chapter. :)

Chapter 20: Sleepover

Hanna's POV

We were all sitting in my living room, my mom wasn't home. She was working late as usual and she told me she would be away for the weekend. I had a smile plastered on my face and I couldn't get rid of it. It had been so long since I last heard Emily's laugh and I missed it so much, we all missed it so much. It was easy to tell that Spencer was the one that missed it the much since she worked harder than anybody else to ear it again. Well, she's a Hastings after all but I have the feeling that even though she worked hard for it, she didn't need to do anything to make Emily laughs. Just her presence seems to be enough. I hadn't gathered the courage to ask them if they were finally together because I didn't want Em to freak out again. I hadn't had the opportunity to talk to Spencer alone since she never left Emily's side. Each time I asked Spencer to help me with something Emily pleaded Aria with her eyes and Aria was always the one to help me. It was like Emily needed Spencer by her side at every moment, like she was afraid that if Spencer left her side, she would break down.

"Do you want to play a game?" Spencer suggested.

Aria and I looked at Emily unsure of if it was a good idea.

"It's okay girls, I can handle that." Emily said as if she saw the interrogation points in our eyes.

"Fine then" Aria said.

"Do you have something to drink?" Emily asked me.

"What do you want? Water? Juice?

"No, I meant liquors." Emily corrected me.

I looked at Spencer to see what she thought about it. She nodded and mouthed: "She'll be fine"

"I'll see what I can find. Can you help me Spence?" I asked.

Spencer got up but Emily took her hand. Spencer bent down and whispered something in Emily's ear. Emily smile and let go of Spencer's hand. Spencer kissed Emily's forehead before she followed me into the kitchen.

"What's up between you two?" I asked her as soon as we entered the kitchen.

"What do you mean?" Spencer asked.

"Are you finally together?"

"Yes we are but please don't talk about it. Emily is still dealing with a lot right now and I'm so afraid that she'll run again and..."

"Spencer"

"I really don't want that. I love her so much and..."

"Spencer!" I said trying to shut her up again.

"I know she's still so fucking fragile and..."

"Spencer! Shut up!" I said raising my voice.

She finally stopped and looked at me.

"Calm down Spence, everything's going to be alright." I said as I put a hand on her shoulder.

"So, what do you have to drink?" Spencer asked me trying to change the subject.

I got away from her and looked in the cabinet.

"Rum"

"Perfect"

I took the bottle out and I took four glasses from the cabinet while Spencer took four cans of coca-cola out of the fridge. I put a small amount of rum in every glasses and Spencer filled them with coca-cola. I put the bottle back and we took two glasses each. We went back on the living room and I handed I glass to Aria while Spencer handed one to Emily.

"What game do you want to play?" Aria asked.

I turned toward Emily and Spencer to see if they had an idea but I saw that Emily was whispering something in Spencer's ear. When she was done Spencer took her hand and whispered in her ear as well. I heard what Spencer told Emily and a smile grew on my face instantly. I didn't know what Emily told Spencer but I guess she asked her if she could drink a lot since Spencer's replied was: "It's okay baby, drink as much as you want, I'll never leave your side and I'll take care of you." Spencer kissed Emily's temple.

"So... What are we playing?" I asked again since they hadn't heard Aria the first time.

"I don't really know..." Spencer said.

"How about I've never...?" Emily asked.

...

Spencer's POV

I was sitting on the couch watching TV. Emily's head was resting on my laps. She drank a lot tonight and had passed away a few hours ago. Aria and Hanna were in Hanna's room getting dressed. They went upstairs ten minutes ago so they should be down in a bit. Aria drank too but not that much and Hanna and I stopped at our second drink. I was surprised when Hanna said she didn't want to drink but I didn't ask any question. Hanna came down the stairs but she was alone.

"Where's Aria?" I asked her as I ran my fingers through Emily's hair.

"She's sleeping" Hanna answered as she sat down on a chair across from me.

We watched the TV for a couple of minutes, not knowing what to say.

"Can I ask you a question?" We both asked in the same time.

"Go ahead" We both replied.

"Ask first" I said.

"Do you really believe that Emily's going to be alright?"

"I hope so. I know that she is still in a dark place but I think she's getting better. She told me that she would try for me so I trust her and I'll be there to catch her if she falls again." I answered honestly.

"She's lucky to have you Spence."

"No, I'm lucky to have her."

"What was your question?" Hanna asked me.

"Why you didn't drink tonight?"

Hanna looked back at the TV but I knew she didn't watch it. She was thinking of her answer so I let her think. After a while she looked back at me.

"Do you remember the night Alison disappeared?" Hanna asked me out of nowhere.

"How could I forget?"

"Well that's why I didn't want to drink tonight."

"I don't get it..." I answered honestly.

"We were all drunk and she just disappeared but we don't know how or why. And tonight Emily wasn't totally herself and she was completely drunk."

"I was looking after her..." I told her sweetly.

"I know"

"At the beginning you looked like you were planning to be the one who wouldn't remember anything the next morning... When did you change your mind?" I asked her confused.

"I snapped back to reality when Emily fell down the couch. It felt like déjà vu." Hanna answered.

"Yeah, I know what you mean."

Couple hours ago

"_Don't touch me, I'm just fine" Emily told me. _

"_Em, baby, please just sit down, you're going to fall." I said in a carrying tone. _

_Emily tried to get away from me but she fall and I caught her before we both landed on the floor. I fall down on my back and I hold Emily in my arms. _

"_Thanks Spence" Emily said as she pecked me on the lips and got up._

"_You're welcome" I told her sweetly. _

_She helped me got up and we both sat on the couch as Emily drank another glass._

The night of Alison disappearance

"_Don't touch me, I'm perfectly fine!" Alison told me._

"_Ali, c'mon, sit down, you're going to fall." I said harshly._

_Alison tried to get away from me but she fall and I caught her before we both landed on the floor. I fell down on my back and Alison fell on me._

"_It's your entire fault I wouldn't have fallen if you would have minded your own business."_

"_You're welcome" I told her sarcastically. _

_She got up and sat back on the couch as she drank another glass. Emily helped me got up and we sat back on the couch too._

"So I didn't want to drink because I didn't want to wake up the next morning and learn that something happened to any of you." Hanna answered.

"Do you want to go to bed, I'm kinda tired." I asked.

"Do you need some help with Emily?"

"I think I'll be fine." I said.

I move Emily's head from my laps and I got up. I bent down and put one arm under Emily's knees and the other one under her back. I lifted her up and walked towards the stairs. I heard Hanna close the TV and then she followed me. We climbed up the stairs and we went in Hanna's room. I saw that Hanna hat put a lot of pillows and blankets on the floor. I bent down again and put Emily delicately on the floor. I lay down next to her and as she felt my body she wrapped her arms around me and snuggled close to me. Hanna closed the light and lay down on her bed next to Aria. I wrapped my arms around Emily in a protective way and I whispered in her ear: "I told you I would take care of you. Goodnight sweetheart." I felt Emily smile a little and I fell asleep.

* * *

I hope you love the chapter and leave some reviews, it totally help. :) And I just wanted to let you know that if any of you have some problem like Emily or Spencer or anything else you can always PM me and I'll try to help you. :) Keep reading and reviewing. :)


	21. Chapter 21: Getting Back to reality

I'm really sorry for the wait... I know I was supposed to update it Friday... I had some trouble writing this chapter and I didn't have enough time to do everything I was suppose to do last week... Sorry.

Shoutouts time :

jrzygurl89: I'm glad you love it and I'll keep in mind what you said :) I hope you're going to love the chapter :)

Jamescottroc54 : I'm really sorry for this late update... :S

Ha ha, Emily is totally needy in the last chapter... xD I think it's kinda normal that your friend wasn't happy if you slaps her... xD But hey, I get it, it's kinda boring when people can't stop speaking... ;) How did you know they were gonna play I've never...? I love the protective side of Hanna too, that's why I try to include more of it...

Funny, you almost said the same thing then my friend... I guess it is true but I don't feel like it's people's opinions that stopped me. I don't really care what people think... Well a little bit but everyone care for other's opinion at some point... The thing is that I'm not able to accept it... Yeah sure a lot of people know and are okay with it but I'm not... I try to find out why... I asked myself this freaking question everyday but there's still no answer and I'm kinda tired of it. I don't get why I'm not okay with it if everyone in my family is... I don't get it...

What made me start... Everything... Nothing... I can't clearly remember... I know I started a year ago, a couple of days before my birthday but I was just so confused so, I can't really remember what I was thinking the first time I did it. But my sexuality was a big part of it and my dad was too... He told me something back then that I couldn't deal with so I started doing that... No I haven't talk to anybody about it and I have no intention to either. For now I'm okay, the last time I did it was like a month ago and I'm starting to get better...

Anyway, I hope you're going to love this chapter :)

Chapter 21: Getting back to reality

Emily's POV

I opened my eyes and closed them again as soon as I saw how bright it was outside.

"Good morning" Spencer said.

I could hear the smirk in her voice. She kissed my temple and I opened my eyes slowly trying to get use to the light.

"Here, take these." Hanna said as she bent down to be at my level.

I haven't realise she was in the room.

"Thanks." I said as I took the aspirins Hanna was holding.

She gave me a glass of water. Spencer helped me sit down and I took a sip of water as I swallowed the aspirins.

"How are you feeling?" Spencer asked me sweetly as she ran a hand up and down my back.

"Like crap... I think I never drink as much as I did yesterday..." I said honestly.

"You did drink a lot yesterday." Spencer said.

"Do you remember anything?" Hanna asked as she sat down in front of me and Spencer.

"Where's Aria?" I asked as I realised I hadn't see the brunette yet.

"She's still sleeping" Hanna answered. "So, do you remember anything?"

"No... Should I?" I asked worried.

"You didn't do anything stupid." Spencer reassured me.

"Do you remember anything?" I asked mostly to Hanna.

"I remember everything. I drink only two glasses of alcohol." Hanna said.

"Spence?" I asked for confirmation, not believing what Hanna said.

"It's true; we both drink only two glasses..." Spencer said.

"Why?" I asked.

"I was watching out for you." Spencer replied.

"Hanna?"

"I... I don't know... I didn't feel like drinking I guess..." Hanna said.

"Okay... What about Aria?" I asked them.

"I don't know how much she drank but almost as much as you." Spencer said trying to remember.

"Okay"

"Do you want something?" Spencer asked me in a carrying tone.

"I'm fine, thanks." I said as I kissed her on the cheek.

"Cute" Hanna said.

"Shut up" Spencer and I said in the same time.

We started laughing as Hanna got up. She sat next to Aria on the bed.

"Should I wake her up?" She asked us.

"No" I answered.

"Let's go downstairs then." Spencer suggested.

"I'll wait for you in the kitchen." Hanna said as she left the room.

"Do you want to get up?" Spencer asked me.

"No... Can we stay like this just a little bit longer...?" I asked her unsure.

"Of course we can sweetie."

Spencer wrapped her arms around me again. It is definitely the best feeling in the world.

"I think we should go downstairs now, Hanna's waiting for us..." I said sadly.

"You're right..."

Spencer got up and offered me her hand. I took it and she helped me got up. When I was standing on my feet the room started to spin. Spencer saw that I wasn't feeling well and she put her arm around my waist.

"Emily, what's wrong?" Spencer asked me worried.

"It's spinning." I answered.

"Here sit down." Spencer said.

I sat on Hanna's desk chair.

"Take your time Em; you probably stand up to fast." Spencer told me sweetly as she bent down in front of me.

"I'm... I'm... Really not feeling... Well." I said as I looked around the room trying to find something that wasn't moving.

"When's the last time you ate?" Spencer asked me.

"I.. I can't remember." I said.

"Can you tell me exactly how you feel?"

"I feel like I'm going to..." I didn't finish my sentence because my head started to hurt a lot.

"To what?" Spencer asked me getting even more worried.

"To pass out..." I whispered.

I closed my eyes and I felt Spencer's arms around my waist.

"Can you walk a little, you need to lie down." Spencer said.

"I don't know..." I answered truthfully.

"Okay, trust me." Spencer said as she slid one arm under my knees and the other behind my back.

I wrapped my arms around her neck and she lifted me. She walked us towards the "bed" Hanna had made on the floor last night. Spencer bent down and she helped me lay down on the sheets.

"Just close your eyes and try to relax, I'm gonna grab some ice and something to eat." Spencer kissed my forehead and left the room.

I saw Aria move from the corner of my eyes. I turned towards her as she sat up in bed.

"Hey..." She said in a small voice.

"Hey..." I whispered back.

She looked more carefully at me and saw that I was pale.

"What's wrong?" She asked as she got off of the bed and sat next to me on the floor.

"I'm not feeling well, everything's spinning and my head hurts like hell."

"You drank a lot last night, didn't you?" She asked me.

"Yeah but I don't feel like this is the reason." I said.

I stopped speaking and I took my head in my hands. God, I can't take it anymore. Silent tears started to fall freely from my eyes. Aria whipped them and she lied down next to me. She wrapped her arms around me. She slid her hand up and down my back trying to comfort me. Spencer came back in the room with a sandwich and a bag of frozen vegetables. She bent down next to Aria and I. She gave me the sandwich.

"Take a couple of bite, please." Spencer told me with pleading eyes.

Aria looked at Spencer with a confused look.

"She doesn't remember the last time she ate." Spencer explained.

Hanna entered the room with a glass of orange juice. She bent down next to me too. I took a bite of the sandwich but as soon as the mouthful was in my mouth I felt nauseous. I forced myself to swallow it but I gave the sandwich back to Spencer.

"I can't, I feel sick." I told her honestly.

"Does everything still spin?" She asked me as I lied back down with Aria.

"Not as much but yeah." I said.

"Okay" She said analyzing.

"Here, try to drink this at least." Hanna said as she handed me the glass she was holding.

I sat down a little and took a couple of sips before I handed the glass back to Hanna and lied back down. A few tears escape my eyes again and I felt Aria's embrace tighten.

"You should try to get some sleep." Spencer suggested.

"Ok..." I said.

"Do you want Spencer to take my place?" Aria asked.

"No, I don't want to move." I said.

"It's alright, Em, Hanna and I will stay in the room if you need anything." Spencer told me sweetly. "Do you want the frozen vegetables?"

"Yes please"

Spencer put them on my forehead and Aria kept them in place. I hid my face in her neck a little and I closed my eyes. I felt Aria's unoccupied hand play with my hair. I fall asleep soon.

Aria's POV

Emily fell asleep in no time. I kept playing in her hair anyway, not sure if she was totally asleep. Spencer kept looking our way with a worried expression. Sometimes tears filled her eyes but she never let them escape. Emily had been asleep for almost 3 hours. She opened her eyes slowly and looked around her. She seemed pretty lost.

"How are you feeling?" Spencer asked sweetly as she came closer to us.

"I... Better..." Emily answered in a small voice. "Physically at least"

"What do you mean?" Spencer replied.

"My head is better and the room stops spinning but emotionally, I really don't feel good, I'm so confused Spence." Emily said as tears started to fall down her cheeks.

"It's gonna be alright baby, I promise." Spencer said.

I sat up and get away from Emily so Spencer can take my place. She thanked me and lay down next to her. She wrapped her arms around her in a loving and protective way. She whispered comforting words in her ear and Emily stopped crying at some point. I sat next to Hanna and we both smile as we looked at our best friend's interaction. They are really cute together. I'm glad that Emily finally decided to let us in again. I know she's far from okay but I also know that she's getting there. I met Hanna's glare and we smiled at each other.

Hanna's POV

Aria got away from Emily to let Spencer comfort her girlfriend. They are so fucking cute together. Spencer wrapped her arms around Emily and whispered comforting words in her ear. Eventually Emily stopped crying, I don't know if she fell asleep... Aria sat next to me and we looked at Spencer and Emily. I'm glad that Emily let us in again... I know she's far from okay but I also know that she's getting there. I met Aria's glare and we smiled at each other.

Spencer's POV

Aria got away. I lied down next to Emily and I wrapped my arms around her. I whispered comforting words in her ear until she stopped crying. Aria sat next to Hanna and they both watched us with a smile plastered on their faces. I know that Emily is still not okay but I'm really glad that she let us in again and that she said she would try for me.

Emily's POV

Aria let go of me and Spencer wrapped me in her arms. She whispered sweet words in my ear until I was calm enough to stop crying. I don't know what's going on with me but I guess I reached the bottom. I use all the energy that I had left... I know that I'm getting better slowly but I need to do something more. I can't continue at this rate... I know that I need time to heal but what do you do when you ran out of time...? If I felt like this today, would it get worst every day...? Spencer started to whispered sweet words in my ear again... As if she knew I was thinking too much. I fell back asleep at some point.

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So fav parts, fave lines, fav characters... I can't wait to hear what you have to say :)


	22. Chapter 22: Break Down

I'm sorry I know that I'm late again but I had some problem writing this chapter... Well I have some problem to write in general right now... So I'm gonna apologies now because I know that this chapter is really not long but I started it over 3 times and I think that it is still not good but I know that you are waiting for it, so here it is...

Shoutouts :

Jamescottroc54: Thanks for your review and thanks for telling me your favorites :) About Emily, she is just not feeling well so she's not hungry... Why can't you play I've never...? Thanks for everything you said and you are right, I'm still young and I should worry too much about it. Hope you're going to love the chapter and that you won't kill me... ;)

brzq: Thanks for your review and I hope you won't feel like killing me after reading the end of this chapter...

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Chapter 22: Break down

Emily's POV

I woke up in Spencer's arms. It was 6 in the morning. I looked around and saw that Aria and Hanna had fallen asleep on the floor. Spencer awoke slowly. She turned to look at me and smiled. I smiled back.

"How are you feeling?" She asked me in her morning voice I love so much.

I took some time to think before I answered.

"I don't know..."

"What do you mean?" She asked me confused.

"I don't have any physical pain anymore but I really don't know if I'm gonna get better Spence and it's really starting to scare me." I answered as I started crying.

"Em, sweetheart, we're gonna get through this together." She said as she wrapped her arms tightly around me and kissed my temple.

I kept crying in the arms of the girl that made me see a sparkle of hope. To be completely honest, she is probably the only thing that's keeping me here... That's keeping me alive. I mean, why would I want to stay, I'm gonna disappoint everyone and they will hate me. Why wouldn't they? I'm a mistake; I shouldn't be the way I am.

"Will this feeling ever disappear?" I asked her suddenly.

"What feeling?"

"The feeling I get every day, the feeling of self-hatred... There's not a day that goes by that I doesn't feel like cutting myself, there's not a day where I don't ask myself why... I can't even find the words... It hurts too much and I can't take it anymore..." I said between sobs.

Spencer only wrapped her arms around me knowing that words wouldn't change anything right now. I knew that she was preparing a speech in her head for later though.

"Thanks" I whispered and she wrapped her arms tightly around my body, clearly not ready to let go.

"I love you" She whispered in my ear.

...

I was currently in my English class. I knew that Hanna and Aria had heard the conversation I had with Spencer this morning in the way they looked at me when we got up. I really don't know what to do anymore. People say that things get better eventually but how am I suppose to believe that when I know that the problem is me... Nobody is as lame as I am. Who cuts themselves for this...? I should be able to get over it. I should be okay with who I am but I just can't. What's wrong with me? A single tear fall down my cheek and I closed my eyes shut to hold the other ones from falling. I felt a hand on my arm and I opened my eyes because of the surprised and because it hurt. I saw that it was Aria's hand. I guess that she was looking at me the whole time. I took her hand in mine to move it away from my arm. She kept her hand in mine to comfort me but when I looked up, tears started to fall from my eyes and I couldn't control them. Not when I saw the look on Spencer's face, the hurt in her eyes. I knew she was hurt because of me and that was something that I couldn't deal with. Who would want to hurt such a good person as Spencer? I got up and ran out of the classroom. I heard some people getting up after me but I didn't looked back. I ran until I reached a tree in the school's backward. I sat down and I took my head in my hands. Someone kneeled next to me but I didn't look up. I knew it was Spencer in the way she wrapped her arms around me and in the way that it made me feel. Other arms wrapped around me and I guess it was Hanna's and Aria's.

"I'm sorry, I should be strong enough..." I said as I looked up.

"You don't have to apologies Em." Hanna replied.

"Look Em, about what you asked me this morning... The feeling will go eventually but it takes time. I won't lie to you, in my case, it hasn't left totally but the difference is that in the state that I'm in, I don't let it win... But I swear that someday you will be able to put it in the past and go forward..." Spencer told me.

"But when? I can hear the time ticking away Spence and I'm fucking scare..." I told her.

"I don't know Emily, it's different for everyone but I know you'll get through this. You're a strong person."

"That's what you don't understand Spencer. I'm not. If I was, I wouldn't be in this state."I told her.

"Being strong doesn't mean that nothing is getting to you Emily, it means that you choose to keep going even though it seems that it is not worth it anymore." Hanna said.

We all looked at her with a confused look. Hanna was always the clown in our group and hearing that coming out of her mouth made me realized that she was right.

"We all know that you are going to be okay, you just need to give yourself time." Aria added.

"I don't have any more time left Aria..." I whispered.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"I'm not sleeping at night, well unless you call one hour of doze a night of sleep, I'm not eating and I so weak... I don't know how long my body will be able to take it but I know it won't be long." I said.

"We're going to help you Em." Hanna said concerned.

"How?" I asked them. "I don't even know what to do myself..."

"We are going to figure it out together Em, just promise us that you'll keep holding on..." Spencer told me as she took my hand.

I looked at her in the eyes.

"I..."

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Okay I know that this end sucks but if enough people leave a review I'll update soon. But please don't kill me until then. What about this chapter? Favorite scene? Favorite characters...? And most important, what do you want to be Emily's answer...? I can't promise that or I promise...? Please leave a review, they help a lot. :)


	23. Chapter 23: The much needed calm evening

Hope you are gonna enjoy this chapter, it starts kinda hard but the end is really sweet. :)

Shoutouts :

redangels: I'm glad you love my story and I hope that you will keep updating because I love your review :)

Tray lover: I'm glad you love the chapter :) Keep updating please, it makes my day :)

Jamescottroc54: I'm glad you love the chapter, I wasn't sure if you would. Thanks for telling me your favs it really helps. :) I hope you are going to love Emily's answer and how it turns out... Can I just ask what your religion is...? I'm really glad that you love my story and I could never thank you enough for your amazing reviews :) Please keep them coming, it definitely helps a lot. :)

brzq: I'm glad you love my story and I love you review :) I hope you gonna love the way this story turns out... Please keep reviewing, it helps a lot. And remember, you are a good person and you are amazing ;) _  
_

Chapter 23: The much needed calm evening

Spencer's POV

"I..." Emily said.

She didn't need to answer, I already knew her answer. Even if she said that she promises she wouldn't believe it herself. I wished that she would because if this is really the way that she is feeling then we are really running out of time. I didn't know what to do.

"I... I can't" Emily said before she burst out crying.

"Em, it's okay, we'll help you through this." I said as I wrapped my arms around her.

I looked up and meet Hanna's gaze. It was the first time since this whole thing started that I saw how much she was sad and confused about that. I saw a single tear ran down her cheek and she whipped it as soon as it left her eye. Aria put her hand on Hanna's shoulder and I left Hanna's gaze to meet Aria's. She looked as devastated as Hanna did. I wished I could make all of this disappear but once again I was useless. That was exactly the reason why I started cutting myself, to be able to control something in my life. When I decided to stop it was because I found myself at the bottom and I had to be careful this time. I needed to try to help Emily without getting myself down again. I knew it was gonna be hard but I needed to try. I needed to prove to myself that I could do this. I needed to know that I could always help her no matter how much it is getting to me.

"Spence?" I heard Emily's voice pulled me out of my thoughts.

"Wh... What?" I asked.

I looked down at Emily and saw that she had stopped crying and that Hanna and Aria had left.

"How long did I space out?" I asked confused.

"I don't know... 30 minutes maybe..." Emily answered.

"Really?"

"Yeah. What were you thinking about?"

"I... Nothing... Everything... You... Me... Us..."

"I wish you didn't feel like you have to help me."

"I don't feel like I have to. I love you Em and I want you to be okay. I would do everything I can to see you happy again."

"Would you do that over your own happiness?" Emily asked me out of nowhere.

"I..."

"Answer honestly"

"Yes"

"Then I don't want you to help me Spence. You can't think of me before you."

"You don't understand Em. If you are not happy, I'm not, and if you are happy and smiling, then I'm the happiest girl in the world. Your smile is so truly amazing and contagious Em and I can't deal with the thought of never seeing it again."

"Spence... I don't know what to say..."

"You don't have to say anything baby. Just let me help you."

"Okay... But you have to promise me something..."

"What?" I asked unsure.

"I don't want you to down yourself over this. I know that this is getting to you and that you hate the fact that you can't do anything about it and that you have zero control. So please if it gets too much then just tell me. I really don't want you to go back to that dark phase..."

"How do you do that?" I asked surprised.

"Do what?" Emily asked me.

"Did I thought out loud earlier?"

"No, I just know you too well." Emily said with a proud smile.

"There you go" I said before I let myself got lost in her gaze.

She leaned towards me. I backed away a little.

"I really want to kiss you right now Em, believe me, but I don't think that here is a good idea."

"I know" She said before she buried her head in her hands.

I wrapped my arms around her again and she buried her head in my shoulder as she wrapped her arms around my waist.

"I really want to try for you Spence." Emily said as we parted.

"I know Em. I won't go anywhere, take the time that you need and I'll be there for you when you will be ready." I said as I kissed her forehead.

"I know and I really love you for that." Emily said.

Hanna and Aria arrived with some food and we knew that we had talked through the morning classes and that it was lunch time. They sat down next to us. Aria offered me a sandwich.

"Do you want anything Em?" Hanna asked Emily unsure.

"No, not really" She answered.

I looked at Emily. I wasn't sure if I should push her or not.

"Did you eat this morning?" Aria asked.

"No..." Emily said.

"Can you at least eat that apple?" I asked her as a pointed to an apple that laid near Hanna.

"I guess" Emily said as Hanna handed it to her.

"Thanks" I said before I take her hand and squeezed it a little in a comforting way.

I let her hand go though because I didn't want people to start asking questions. Emily smiled weakly at me and ate in silence.

...

"I'm so glad this day is over" Hanna said as we all sat down in my living room.

"Yeah, me too" Emily answered looking away.

"Are you alright?" I asked her.

"Yeah"

"Should we start our homework?" Aria asked, taking the attention away from Emily.

"NO! We just finished school, can we think about something else for once?" Hanna said dramatically.

"I think we should do them now and then have the rest of the evening free." I stated.

"I'm with Spence on this one." Emily said.

"Of course" Hanna said sarcastically. I glanced at her and she spoke again. "Fine, let's get this over with."

We all took our books out of our bags and got comfortable. Aria sat at the coffee table. Hanna lain down on the couch. Emily sat on the floor, her back resting on the couch. I sat on the floor facing Emily. I love to be able to glance up and see her.

...

After an hour of homework, I wasn't done because I helped the girls with their own assignments but we all decided to watch a movie while I finished my assignments. I sat down, my back resting on the couch, were Emily was earlier and she lain down on the floor next to me. Aria and Hanna took the couch and we watched a movie that I've already seen a thousand times, but I wouldn't have spent my evening any other way. At some point we all fell asleep, Emily's head resting on my laps while Aria and Hanna lain on the couch.

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So, got any favs in this one...? Fav character? Fav part? Fav line(s)? Please review it helps a lot. You are truly amazing and I love you guys. Sorry for the grammar mistake but I really try...


	24. Chapter 24: Good Morning

I'm really sorry for the wait and I know it's been really long this time and that you are all probably tired of hearing me say that I'm sorry. But I really am. The truth is I have some trouble writing this story, well writing in general. I still don't really know where I want this story to go cuz I'm kinda messed up right now. I want to keep the drama coming but I have to light it up a little sometime and I still have some trouble mixing them both so I'm trying. And I'm trying really hard since I've spent 15 hours on that chapter and I've rewrote it 5th times and I still don't like it but I know that I needed to upload so here goes nothing...

I won't do any shoutouts anymore because I've decided to answer to the reviews in PM, I like this way better...

Hope you will enjoy the chapter anyway and tell me what you think of it even if you didn't like it as long as it is constructive.

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Chapter 24: Good Morning

Emily's POV

I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing in my pocket.

"Could you shut that damn thing off, please?!" Hanna said.

"I'm trying" I said as I took my phone out.

I opened my eyes and saw that it was 7am.

"We should get ready for school though" I said.

"Really? We spent the whole night like this?" Hanna said I she sat up straight.

Aria woke up when she felt Hanna's head left her shoulder.

"What time is it?" She asked with a sleepy voice.

"7 am"

I sat up straight as well. Spencer was still sleeping, her back still resting on the couch. I ran my hand in her hair and she started to stir. I then kissed her on the lips and her eyes flood open. I laugh at the sight and she calm down when she realised it was me. She leaned forward and brought our lips together again to have a proper kiss. I pulled away slightly and looked into her beautiful brown orbs.

"Good morning, baby" She said in her sexy sleepy voice.

"Good morning, beautiful."

"I'm so not"

"You so are"

"No"

"Yes"

"And we so don't care" Hanna said making our head turned to look at her. "I said it out loud, haven't I?"

"Yeah, you kinda did." Spencer said as we burst out laughing.

"Whatever" Hanna said as she got up.

"I'm gonna make coffee" Spencer said as she got up too.

"Please no, can I make it?" Aria asked getting up as well.

"Fine, whatever. Does anyone has to take a shower?" Spencer asked.

"I do" Hanna said.

"Okay, go ahead; I'll take one after you. You know where everything is." Spencer said.

Hanna went upstairs and Aria went in the kitchen to make some coffee. I was still lying on the floor so I grabbed Spencer's shirt and I pulled her towards me. She laid half on top of me and half on the floor. She leaned down and our lips met. It was perfect. I've never felt so good in my entire life. Things has never felt as right as they did right now. I smiled in the kiss and I could felt Spencer smiled at that. That's what I was saying, everything was perfect.

"Get a room" We heard Hanna say and we pulled away.

"It isn't such I bad idea." Spencer replied.

Hanna's eyes widened and we started laughing.

"She's joking, Han." I said.

"Well, not entirely" Spencer whispered so only I could hear.

"Anyway, the shower's all yours." Hanna told Spencer before she went in the kitchen.

"I'm gonna be right back." Spencer said as she got up.

She helped me to my feet and went upstairs to take a shower.

"How are you feeling today?" Hanna asked me as I sat down at the counter.

"Well, that's straight to the point, way to be subtle, Han" Aria said rolling her eyes.

"Like you weren't wondering the same thing." Hanna replied. Aria didn't answer. "Yeah, that's what I thought"

Hanna looked back at me and waited for me to answer to her question. I looked at her without answering because I didn't know the answer. How was I feeling today? I didn't know. I guess that means that I'm not feeling bad... But does that means that I'm better? I didn't think so.

"I honestly don't know..." I said looking down.

"What? That's like one of the stupidest things I've ever heard." Hanna said.

"Yeah, well coming from you it's almost a compliment, but watch it." Spencer said warily as she walked into the kitchen and sat beside me. "What do you mean, baby?"

"I mean, that right now I don't know how I'm feeling and I don't want to really look to found a real answer because as for now I'm feeling okay. It's like I doesn't feel anything and it's good for a change." I said still looking down.

"Em, don't look down. You don't have to be ashamed of that. If it's the way that you are feeling then that is it. I don't want you to put words on that, I only want to know if things go wrong, okay?" Spencer said as she put her hand under my chin to make me look at her.

"I'm sorry for what I said Em." Hanna said.

"No, you were right, it is stupid."

"No it isn't. I've never felt this way but I never had to go through what you are going through right now so I shouldn't have said that it was stupid only because I didn't understand, that was a stupid thing to say." Hanna said.

"Thank you, Hanna" Spencer said glad that Hanna realised her "mistake".

For another time now, Hanna really surprised us with this side of her. She rarely let it show but when she does, it's amazing. She's like all grown up and matured and it is almost as scary as Spencer sometimes. She's also really sweet and caring. Well, she always cares for others but in these moments she's not afraid to show it. She doesn't hide that part behind a mask and it feels really good.

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I know that it is really short but it is all that I could come up with for now. So what do you think?


	25. Chapter 25: Something's finally back in

I am so sorry that it took me this long to update. It never took me more than a month... :( I'm having real trouble writing this story so I can't promise you that I'll update more often cuz I honestly don't know... I only hope that you'll keep reading the story and that you'll keep reviewing because at this point, I'm writing for you, it isn't for me anymore. The only thing I can assure you is that I'm gonna go through with this story, I just don't know when. Don't get me wrong, I'll keep writing. Anyway, I hope that you'll love the chapter even though it's kinda short...

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Chapter 25: Something's finally back in its place

Emily's POV

The day went by fast without any real problems... Sometimes, I just wanted to sit on the floor, hug my knees, burry my head in them and cry until I would fall asleep from exhaustion, but every single time that these thoughts would come on my mind, either Spencer, Hanna or Aria would make me change my mind. They would look right into my eyes, like they wanted to see my soul, which scared me at first. I thought that they would run away when they'd see how I felt, but they didn't. They would only smile at me or take my hand to make me see that everything was fine and that everything would stay fine. I don't know what I would have done without them, if I had pushed them away. I don't even know if I would still be here... I feel like if I take the time and if I'm brave enough, everything could be alright. I'm currently walking home, alone... Spencer didn't want to at first but I convinced her that I was alright and I told her that I needed to clear my head. She eventually let me go but we agreed that she would come by my house later and that we would do our homework. We both know that I need to start focussing on my grades again if I don't want to stay one more year in this town. I opened the door to my house and went in. Something seemed different. I couldn't say what, but it just did... It wasn't something out of place... It was more like something that had been missing for years was finally back in its place. I looked around the room trying to figure out where this feeling was coming from. When I saw that nothing was unusual I went in the kitchen. As soon as I walked in I knew where the feeling was coming from. My father opened his arms and waited for me to hug him. I ran to him and hugged him as hard as I could.

"I missed you so much honey" He whispered in my ear.

"I missed you too. I didn't even know that you were supposed to come home." I said.

"I didn't tell your mother either." My dad said as he backed away to look me in the eyes.

"Why not?"

"Because I have a surprise for you."

"And what's that?"

"I'm going to stay on the base on Kansas to train the recruits..."

"So you won't be going to war anymore?" I asked overly happy.

"It depends, but I probably won't."

"It depends on what?"

"If they need me, but it would be last resort." He said as he hugged me back.

"Where's mom?"

"Getting ready, I'm taking her out tonight."

"And what about me?" I asked faking being hurt.

"We'll do something just the two of us this weekend."

"Dad?"

"Yeah, Emmy.

"When will you move there?"

"I don't know yet. I have a week of vacation before I need to go back."

"I'm so glad that you're back"

"I'm glad too baby."

"Are you ready?" My mom asked as she entered the kitchen.

"Yeah"

"Okay, we should be back by ten, Emily. I cook today so you only have to heat something. You can call us on my phone if something's wrong. Don't forget to do your homework and you can invite one friend over."

I only nodded and they walked out the door. I took my phone and dialed Spencer's number.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Spence."

"Hey, what's up Em?"

"I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to come over now and maybe eat here...?"

"Is your mom okay with that?" Spencer asked me.

"Yes, she's not here and she won't be until ten, she told me that I could invite one friend."

"Okay, I'm taking a shower and I'll be there."

"Alright, I'll wait for you."

"See ya later, love you Em."

I hung up the phone and I went to my room. I lay down on my bed with a smile on my face. When Spencer arrived, I was in this exact same position.

"Hey, gorgeous, what made you smile like this?" Spencer asked me as she sat on my bed, next to me.

"Everything!" I said as I sat down and kissed her on the cheek.

"Wow, I never thought I hear that from you for a long time..."

"My dad, he's not going to war anymore!"

"For real? Em, that's amazing."

"Yeah, I know! He's going to train recruits from now on."

"Where?"

"In Kansas"

"Does that mean that you're moving there?" Spencer asked me.

As soon as those words left her mouth, it was like I couldn't breathe anymore. Like all the air around me was suddenly gone. I did want to leave this place next year but not like that. I want to finish high school with my friends and my girlfriend. I need them right now, more than I need oxygen.

"I... I didn't think about that." I said as tears began to fall down my cheeks.

"Emily, baby, everything will be fine." Spencer said as she wrapped me in her arms.

We lay back on my bed and I clung to her like my life depended on it. Actually, my life does depend on her.


End file.
